After a thrilling Week 1 of the MLS season, Week 2 followed up by … reminding us why this league is occasionally a hard sell, even to “America’s Soccer Channel.” However, the fan frenzy of the weekend occurred at the Meadowlands, where 35,000 turned out for a celebration of professional soccer in New York, headlined by the legendary Mark Semioli. I heard Pele showed up, too, and tried to hustle everyone at that inexplicable Sierra Mist juggling game he “lost” to Freddy Adu. Can’t blame a guy for trying.

But the excitement of the first-ever Red Bulls home game didn’t go unnoticed by the league powers that be. Apparently, New York fans were deeply moved by disposing of one soulless, corporate team name and the adoption of a new soulless, corporate team name. The great draw inspired a secret, all-day meeting at MLS headquarters, at which league executives came up with ideas for other food and drink related team names to add some “zazz” (technical marketing term) to the 2006 season and beyond. (Note: These are the kind of ideas that Doug Hamilton used to shoot down. Read on and you’ll see how much we’ll miss him.)

Kansas City Cheez Wiz - A gentle nod to team history, albeit slightly less urine-referential. The undefeated Cheez Wiz are true to their new name - great results, but you really don’t want to know how it happened. Between the mystifyingly effective play of Zavagnin, and Burciaga scoring a game winner AND getting a red card, the Cheez Wiz is looking down from the top of the table.

Absolut Columbus - A vodka martini tie-in, shaken, not stirred, for the club on its way to 0-0-7 (W-T-L format). Note to Eddie Gaven: You’ll need a serious haircut before being allowed to play bond yourself. Where is the Fire Sigi bandwagon parked? I’d like to get on in about three weeks unless the Crew pick it up.

New England Guiness - The official beer of brawling Irish brothers is perfect for the traveling Joey and Deuce show. Inside sources inform us that during an intense halftime “rap-off” between Franchino and Dempsey, Joey moderately injured his hamstring attempting imitate a nifty Dempsey “Don’t Tread On Me” move. As a result, the Revs were forced to sub in Kyle Brown, lost control of the midfield, and nearly blew the game to an inferior Red Bulls team. Chalk another one up for team unity.

DC Juicy Juice - Until Freddy turns 21, no alcohol tie-ins for DC. So we’ll go with the most juvenile drink we can think of. But they have played three straight pretty good halves. So sip up, boys! You’ve earned it.

Tostitos Houston - Although for sheer shock value of simultaneously pandering to and offending your target audience, it’s tough to beat “Houston 1836,” league executives have tried to one-up themselves. Also, extensive league research has indicated that 99% of fans either a) don’t know what a Dynamo is, b) do know what it is and think that makes it a stupid name, or c) are wondering why that Hawaiian guy who played for San Jose and spent his off season playing himself off of the national team is suddenly in Houston, and the incredibly-premature leader in the race for MVP.

FC Boddington’s Dallas - The great city of Manchester lost two icons this year. The Boddington’s brewery closed, and United reserve superstriker Kenny Cooper left town. To honor his stellar early season form, and to help him fondly remember his home-away-from-home, FC re-re-names itself Boddington’s.

Chicago Justin Mapps - give the people what they REALLY, REALLY want.

Salt Lake Communion Wafers - We’ll see a true test of faith. Can a stadium full of Mormons put their trust in the Pope? So far this year, it looks like their only hope.

Colorado Doritos - Commander Clint can’t make the field yet, but all those years of boozing and posing while scarfing down Doritos make this endorsement a natural. And it gives Colorado fans something to cheer about while their team amasses all the once-potential-Nat-superstars-but-ultimately-disappointing players it can find. I hear Kyle Martino might be available, guys. Are Steve Snow and Mike Slivinski still retired?

Heineken Chivas - The import from Holland will make everything better. At least, that’s what Chivas is hoping.

Los Angeles Orange Slices - Landon Donovan, after tying the Fire this week: “I honestly feel like I’m on a high school team sometimes.” Well, LandyCakes, then you get to bring the orange slices. Don’t forget to bring enough for everyone on the team.
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A Defensive 4-4-2 (Last week’s 2-4-4 was sexy football. Evidently this week everyone’s all sexed out.)

Bo Oshoniyi– (1) – Kansas City Wizards
In a week with a number of solid goalkeeping performance the largely unheralded Oshoniyi edged out a crowd of goalkeepers to get the AAXI nod. The goalkeeper from Poughkeepsie had Houston in his end most of the night. Nobody could have stopped the set-play goal he conceded, but he kept his defense organized and stopped everything that was shot at him in the run of play.

Jim Curtin – (1) – Chicago Fire
Every single time the Galaxy managed to get their act together and attack, Curtin was there to stop them. He was everywhere. It was a massive performance, a truly dominating defensive outing. He was always in the right place because he seemed to be everywhere. Tackle after tackle, clearance after clearance: he was equal to everything that LA threw at him. He would have gotten the AAXI nod for his superb defensive performance alone, but it certainly didn’t hurt his chances when he notched the tying goal.

Eddie Pope – (1) – Real Salt Lake
High in the Wasatch Mountains Eddie Pope maintains a secret lab where he steals the life essence of other players (think crappy Doctor Who set). He laughs as he straps Mark Lisi into a chair, slowly siphoning off his talent to prolong his own career. So it would seem, anyway. We thought Pope was down, we thought Pope was out. But now we’re seriously wondering what he did to rejuvenate his career. This last weekend he had the kind of game that explains where the nickname “Steady Eddie” comes from. His positioning was masterful all game long, and if you paid close attention, just seeing him mark his man out of the game was good fun. He almost scored towards the end of the match while playing center forward as RSL pressed the attack.

Chris Albright – (1) – Los Angeles Galaxy
Some time before Chris Albright saw the light and started playing right back he was suiting up for DC United often just to look dapper on the bench and occasionally to play forward. It was then that we realized his unusual talent: When you need a post hit, he’s your man. This last weekend Albright led the Galaxy with two shots on goal (note to the Galaxy: if Albright leads your team in shots on goal, even for just one game, you’re in trouble). The first one he hit off the crossbar, a Chris Albright classic. The second went in. The goal aside, Albright played solid defense and dangerous offense on the wing all game long. He did a fine job containing Chicago’s attack down the left flank and made several nice runs that led to scoring chances.

Man Child – (1) – New York Red Bulls
Marvell Wynne showed his potential during his team’s game against New England. Wynne compensated for some positioning problems with speed and quick feet. Stripping Noonan and Dempsey on separate occasions, leading a one-man attack that led to a dangerous free kick, and generally being a nuisance was impressive. He’s living proof that no matter how tactically sophisticated you are at a lower level, the next level always has something new to throw at you. In MLS, his physical gifts are preventing some tactical shortcomings from being exposed. But if he’s a fast learner … look out. He’ll be capped within a year.

Justin Mapp – (1) – Chicago Fire
It really is amazing what Mappinho can do with the ball at his feet. Well, foot. See, he can’t use his right foot for much but running and standing. But it doesn’t matter. One footed as he is, he’ll still beat you most of the time. Mapp had an outstanding offensive performance against Los Angeles. He played superb attacking soccer, owned the left side and made several dangerous and energetic diagonal runs. It was a complete 90 minute performance. He even played some defense. If Mapp hadn’t been on the field Chicago would have looked far, far less dynamic. And they wouldn’t have drawn the foul that led to their tying goal.

Kerry Zavagnin – (1) – Kansas City Wizards
Zavagnin’s efforts in midfield helped keep Houston grasping for new attacking ideas. While he couldn’t help the Wizards maintain much possession, his defensive work rate frustrated Houston’s efforts to find effective solutions, and restricted Houston’s attack mostly to long balls for Ching. Zavagnin also hassled Houston’s midfielders and forced them to resort to square and back passes more often than they wanted.

Chris Henderson – (1) – New York Red Bull
It’s taken many years, but we at the AAXI finally believe Chris Henderson is emerging from his younger brother’s shadow. His brother, Sean, suited up alongside his older brother for a few years in Colorado before heading out to greener pastures in Seattle. But Chris stuck it out, bounced from team to team, found one of his teams bounced from the league, and then fell victim to Sigizing in Columbus. Now he’s plying his trade in New York and doing what he’s always did. Last weekend Old Man Hendo did a tireless job on the left wing, flying up and down the field to make an impact at both ends. He made a number of intelligent diagonal runs to generate scoring opportunities, including a one-on-one with Matt Reis that the Rev keeper did well to keep out of the net.

Jacob Thomas – (1) – Columbus Crew
This newcomer to Major League Soccer was arguably the best Crew midfielder on the field Saturday night. Dribbling right at defenders he constantly caused Colorado problems with his speed. He should have scored one, if not two, goals in the first half and called it a night. The second half you could tell the “Mile-High” air got to him, but until then he was impressive. It looks like the right side (with Hejduk) is in good hands with the Crew.

Kenny Cooper – (2) – FC Dallas
Admit it. You didn’t think he’d amount to much. But after his play the last two weeks it looks like a good number of us should start eating crow. The kid can play. His defending may be a bit suspect, but his attack is downright scary. Colin Clarke is playing him out wide on the right, but he doesn’t look out of place there. Last weekend he was very energetic on the wing, demonstrated a knack for getting into good positions, and showed that he can dribble far better than most any other “big man” in the league. He hasn’t been here long, but he’s already cemented his place as a fixture in the Dallas offense.

Brian Ching – (2) – Houston Dynamo
The Hawaiian native again excelled this week, despite facing a stronger defensive team. Houston relied heavily, and somewhat predictably, on air mail to Ching. He still consistently beat his defender to knock down almost every contested air ball. Long, hopeful efforts launched from deep in the back, clever lobs from midfield that required quicker reactions, he won them all. In addition to the goal Ching also struck the frame and got himself into position for a couple of crosses. Just another typically strong week in the life of Brian.

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• Header by Casper.
• List compiled and edited by The Belly with input from all the AAXI contributors.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on John Guppy.