We now take you to today’s nationally televised MLS new conference …

Don Garber: Thank you for attending. First off I am pleased to have with me on the podium to my left Bruce Arena, Dave Sarachan, Steve Nicol, Sigi Schmid, Steve Sampson, Bob Bradley, Mo Johnston, John Ellinger, and Bob Gansler to help take your questions and, in general, agree with everything I say.

First off a couple of announcements: This MLS season is dedicated to showing the world that our league is on par with any league out there. To prove this we are taking the following steps:

• We are not only continuing our league during the World Cup, we are buying airtime for our games in every country showing that inferior competition. Thus we will show our product is clearly superior. A surprised Bruce Arena is seen with his mouth wide open but his expressions soon changes from astonishment to contentment when a fly enters his mouth and he swallows it. Sigi notices and opens his mouth too.

• We are instructing our officials, EVERY ONE OF WHOM IS BETTER THAN PETER “FREAKIN’ HAND GROWING OUT OF BERHALTER’S FACE” PENDERGAST!, to be extra careful NOT to reward diving. Dave Sarachan: ***cough Keimara cough*** Sigi slowly gets up, moves two seats to his right and sits down. The audience hears a muffled scream and Garber looks to his left then back to the audience.

• Before I go on, there is breaking news. Dave Sarachan has resigned from the Chicago Fire for personal reasons and Sigi Schmid has replaced him. The Columbus Crew are now in the process of hiring a new head coach. From the back of the room come shouts of “Me me! Coming from a man who looks much like the coach of George Mason University. A security guard looking much like Adam Baldwin from the movie Serenity but with the name tag, “Hello! I am Bill Archer!” tosses the man out the door.

• As I was saying, we are set to make MLS the most legitimate league in the world. For the final step in this process we are instituting a new single table format and in that format teams will be given points for keeping the score down. So here are the new standings as of today:

1. New England Revolution - Steve Nicol has done a fine job stifling what little creativity remained after last years’ Cup final. One goal scored for every three matches is the ideal for which we want all our coaches to strive. Nicol gets pats on the back from Sampson and Schmid. Gansler looks bewildered. Arena glares at Garber. Something needs to be done about that Dempsey character though. Fortunately he’s leaving soon for that lesser summer league in Germany.

2. Real Salt Lake - Is there any doubt about who’s now the REAL team in the world? Probably their only weakness is this upstart Jason Kreis. Kreis we understand is being removed from the team and will now be on Bruce Arena’s World Cup team. Arena gags.

3. We have a three-way tie for third between the LA Galaxy, Columbus Crew, and New York Red Bulls. Technically the Crew are alone in third on goal differential and since they are doing so well, team management has decided to install Rusty Pierce as player coach. Gun shots from the rear of the room tattoo the wall over Garber’s head. Garber again: Since Steve Sampson is here, I’d like to congratulate Steve on a good job with his offense - with the exception of Landon Donovan. Look Steve, we aren’t paying that player that amount of jack to produce goals. From now on he’s strictly a reserve league player. Arena bangs his head on the table. Also LA now has the services of the best GM in the business, Alexi Lalas, fresh from his great job with RBNY. Alexi says he looks forward to doing the same bang-up job that he did in NY. Sampson starts banging his head on the table in time with Arena.

6. In a tie for sixth place we have Chivas USA and the Chicago Fire. The Fire aren’t doing too well so far but with given how their new head coach turned things around in Columbus I am sure the Fire will turn things around with a nice control possession oriented approach. Hand grenades are lobbed from the back of the room just missing Garber. As I understand it, Mr. Schmid has already made his first personnel move, selling Chris Rolfe to the Western Massachusetts Pioneers for a used hole in the ground and thirty-two copies of, “The Nigeria Guide of Coaching Stability.” Sigi has since traded the guides to NYRB for absolutely nothing, i.e. Amado Guevara. Chivas under Bob Bradley is languishing in last place due to some inept play by their attack. A quizzical look crosses Bob Gansler’s face. League management has taken it upon itself to remedy this by placing Ante Razov on Bruce Arena’s World Cup developmental team. Arena slaps Garber into next Sunday. Eventually Don gets up.

Oh yes. The final news is that the league has had to undergo an emergency contraction, letting go of the teams in Houston, Kansas City, and DC. Their goal scoring alone indicated their management’s complete lack of understanding of the league’s goals and proved it would be best if they completely disappeared. Their management and players have been sold to organizations in Guam, American Samoa, and Africa respectively.

Thank you for attending this press conference.
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A shake it if you’ve got it 4-4-2.

Troy Perkins – (1)

The third year goalkeeper beat out veterans Tony Meola and Matt Reis by a single vote to earn a spot in this week’s AAXI. Last weekend the young keeper, who seems to gain more confidence with every game, earned his second clean sheet in a row. He was pulling Air Patrol duty all night, hauling in anything that floated into his box. And if he didn’t haul it in then he punched it out with authority. He had real command over his box. He positioned himself well, notably on a Ronald Cerritos header late in the second half and completely took Ching out of the game by denying him any air service. He also distributed the ball very well and demonstrated and ability to pick people out from long range and boot the ball right to them in an attacking position. His 50/50 balls into the opponents half always seemed to find DC players. It was real stand out performance.

Tim Regan – (1)

Yes, we know. He couldn’t stop Landon Donovan in the end. But until then he stopped everything else Los Angeles threw his way. Watching him track down Cornell Glenn after he got in behind the defense was phenomenal. Without him in the middle, who knows how many goals Glen would have had for the Galaxy. Who knew the kid had so much speed? He owned the penalty box and made it patently impossible for Glen or Donovan to get any footing or angles or service. Regan’s wonderful performance almost single-handedly put Chivas in a position to win this game. Regan is playing at a very high level and if he keeps this up he’ll be a serious player in the post Germany national team mix.

Rusty Pierce – (1)

Whatever happened to that chippy, scrappy, uneven defender at New England? We’re used to seeing Rusty play like Joey Franchino without the left foot. But Saturday he was excellent, and stood out in a lackluster match. He appeared a calm, assured, mature defender who led his defense and didn’t make any false moves whatsoever. And there was nary a hack to be seen. Most amazingly he put in this fine performance while going up against the indomitable Justin Mapp. Given how bad Pierce was in week one it was perhaps surprising to see Rusty freeze Mapp out of the game so effortlessly, particularly in the first half. Pierce was strong and dependable on a Crew team that needed their nerves steadied.

Jonathan Bornstein – (1)

The rookie’s performance against the Galaxy didn’t draw nearly as many superlatives as the one put in by his defensive team mate Tim Regan, but the converted forward from UCLA put in an excellent performance nonetheless. He was everywhere, shutting down the Galaxy’s midfield, helping out in back, and making long, forceful runs through the Galaxy defense. His game is very aggressive and yet quite clean. He’s quick to transition to the offense, in part because he looks up and uses his vision. The youngster is one to watch.

Jimmy Conrad – (1)

Conrad would have a spot on this team even if he didn’t score the game-winning goal. He marked Taylor Twellman out of the match (and maybe out of the World Cup squad because if one of the US’s bubble defenders can shut down Twellman like that, it doesn’t bode well for striker’s chances in Germany). Twellman was probably checking the seat behind him on the bus out of Arrowhead to make sure Conrad wasn’t there. A superb performance following a remarkable comeback from hernia surgery.

The Prophet – (1)

If Landon Donovan is on your team, you love him. If he isn’t, you hate him. Last weekend’s game against Chivas USA showed why. It was a microcosm of the Galaxy’s season last year: barely hold on and disappoint for 90% of the time then come on strong in the final moments to win. It’s like the Galaxy use that Fast Trac machine at Disney World where instead of waiting hours in line you just come and get a time stamped ticket then return an hour later and go to the front of the line. If the Galaxy go anywhere it’s because Donovan takes them there. No other player in the league has the total package that Donovan showed at the end of the game: dribbling, speed, vision, touch, guts. Chivas USA was reminded of that fact the hard way.

The Messiah – (1)

This was the kind of show we always wanted to see from Freddy Adu: entertaining flash coupled with professional consistency. It was the most impressive game Freddy’s played as a pro in quite some time. He remained active and focused throughout the game, complimented Gomez and Moreno perfectly and constantly kept Houston on its heels with his runs and dribbling. He even helped stifle Houston’s attack by playing some defense. Good thing he didn’t score or people all over the country would be demanding Bruce take him to Germany.

Clint Dempsey – (2)

On a night when the Revs struggled for offense, Clint’s ability to take on defenders was the lone bright spot. He didn’t score, but the only truly dangerous opportunities came when he had the ball at his feet. As the commentators pointed out, he’s now using his tricks with a purpose in mind, not just for the sake of doing tricks. Without Dempsey, the Revs would have looked absolutely punchless. Whenever he has the ball you get the feeling something remarkable can always happen.

Chris Klein – (1)

The veteran finally had the 90 minutes we’ve been waiting for him to have! Klein was arguably the most dangerous and tireless RSL player out there. He delivered some beautiful crosses and corner kicks that really should have been put away. And he forced Meola’s best save of the first half on a brilliant first-time shot from long distance. In the end he was largely responsible for the game tying goal. First, the veteran tricked Mendes into a harmless foul in the 88th minute to earn the free kick, and then he placed that kick right on Jason Kreis’s head for a gorgeous assist and goal.

Jason Kreis – (1)

Jason Kreis showed, yet again, why he’s the consummate MLS professional. Salt Lake had been knocking on New York’s final third all night, but it wasn’t until Kreis entered that they spent any significant time there. With his energy and pressure, he completely changed the complexion of the match and made the game tying goal possible. The equalizing goal itself was beautiful and clinical, but almost equally impressive was the fact that he wasn’t afraid to get in and make challenges with his surgically-repaired knee on the Turf Monster. Kreis never became a national team mainstay, but it’s hard to find another player who’s given more to Major League Soccer.

Chris Rolfe – (2)

The word “tenacious” just doesn’t do him justice. This kid creates and finishes virtually everything with an exclamation point. If you’re a defender and you take your eye off him for one second, he’s past you. He scores key goals and makes those around him better. Rolfe troubled the Crew’s defense all game and almost won it for his team late. He was unfortunate not to get his first goal of the match in the opening half when he took the ball on a Chad Marshall give-away at the top of the box, and slipped it just under John Busch but off the post. Rolfe finally got the scoring started in the second half when he received a nice through ball from Chad Barrett and placed his low shot through Busch’s legs into the back of the net. Finally, late in the game, Rolfe received the ball with a defender on his back, looped it over both their heads while spinning off his mark, received the ball again on his chest and cracked it off the bounce forcing a spectacular save from Crew goalkeeper. Rolfe remains one to watch and he should be a national team fixture come 2010.
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• Header by ursula.
• List compiled and edited by The Belly with input from all the AAXI contributors.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on Giorgio Chinaglia.