While cleaning out his attic in England, an English soccer fan recently discovered what appears to be the beginnings of a lost work of Tolkien entitled The Fellowship of the Cup. When he read the manuscript, he was utterly shocked to discover that Tolkien had been a secret fan of the USMNT. In disbelief, he decided to give this work to the most highly regarded group of distinguished scholars he knew, a group with an unmatched reputation as defenders of truth, justice, punditry, and sheer lunacy: the AAXI. (We told him he really needs to get out more often.) After carefully examining the manuscript for its authenticity, we have decided that, you, the devoted readers of the AAXI, should be the first to read it:

Many years ago, deep within the dark land ruled by FIFA, the sinister lord forged many cups, which he gave to different countries and leagues. There was the Champions League, the MLS Cup, the UEFA Cup, the all-important MLS All-Star game, the FA Cup, La Manga Cup, the Libertadores Cup, and many, many others. Clubs and countries played for these cups. They fought hard battles for these cups in the vain hope of gaining them, based on the belief that these cups would bring them great power and honor. But they were all deceived. You see, the dark lord FIFA had forged one Cup to rule all cups:

One Cup to rule them all
One Cup to find them
One Cup to bring them all
And in the World Cup bind them

As Germany ‘06 loomed on the horizon, soccer fans and players worldwide began to have an ever-increasing sense of foreboding about the Cup; rumors had begun to spread about the fearful Cupwraiths, who were out to seek and win the World Cup for themselves. The darkest rumors speculated that the most fearful one of them all was leading the Cupwraiths. Fans scarcely dared to say his name, and when they did, it was only in hushed tones: Steve Sampson.

In the great city of Washingdell, where the honest, trustworthy politicians defend truth and justice, a great council of MLS coaches and players was convened to prepare to meet the challenge of the One Cup met in order to discuss what they should do about the One Cup. Some suggested that they form a 3-6-1 formation to counter the Cupwraith offense. Others suggested that they send all the Cupwraiths back to the hospital, to clear a path through the heart of Germany. Still others suggested they fine the Cupwraiths an undisclosed amount for improper remarks. A few insisted only the one they call Mapp could lead them to victory. The argument grew more and more heated, until someone (to this day, no one knows who), suggested the perfect solution: they should take the bravest, most stouthearted American soccer players, and form the Fellowship of the Cup. It may have been a fool’s hope to believe that the Americans would be capable of gaining possession of the Cup, but the council believed this was the best way to overcome the menace of the Cupwraiths.

The great wizard Bruce the Blue volunteered to help lead this unlikely Fellowship, and then set about the arduous task of selecting the other members of the Fellowship. After a long, hard search, the council agreed with Bruce on the 11 best suited for the task ahead:
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Like this week’s lineup, your father’s Oldsmobile was a 4-4-2.

Zach Thornton – (2)

Over the weekend there was one truly inspirational performance by an MLS goalkeeper. Unfortunately, Bouna Coundoul is not eligible for the AAXI. But Big Zach is, and he made a solid case for himself as the weekend’s best American between the posts. He used his body to blast through crowds to punch out dangerous balls, and had a few nice reflex saves to earn the clean sheet.

Kyle Veris – (1)

The rookie defender was a beacon of light in a match laden with suckitude. He’s been a stalwart in the Galaxy defense since Albright left for the World Cup and you have to like the qualities he offers: he’s huge and he knows how to use his presence to dominate defensively - think Gooch-light. Last weekend he managed the backline admirably even with all of the offensive thrusts the Galaxy were sending forward. His distribution from the back needs work, but five games into his career, he’s already a better man-marker than most backs in the league. He’s even more impressive when you realize he was converted to fullback only late in his college career.

C.J. Brown – (1)

The Fire vet gives thuggery a good name. He’s the kind of player forwards never want to play against, because they know they’ll be soaking in the ice bath after the game. He plays hard, covers the field and has no problems letting your grandchildren know that he just leveled you. He’s lost a step over the years, but his head is still in the game, and he can still punish a forward, smile, and walk away with the best of ‘em.

Chad Marshall – (1)

The third year defender put in a fine performance against DC United last weekend. He was under a tremendous pressure, handled United’s fast attack admirably well, and played a major role in keeping the game a draw despite of the large shot count differential.

Dasan Robinson – (2)

It was another solid game from the rookie. He’s been doing a damn fine job after being asked to step into a makeshift defensive lineup with both Curtin and Segares out. He’s not making spectacular tackles or tracking down a streaking forward because he always seems to be in position and controlling his man. He dominated the air in front of Chicago’s goal with surprising ease, and he shut down all of Houston’s efforts from the wing as effectively as anyone has this year. Dasan won’t be on a developmental contract for very long.

Seth Stammler – (1)

Guys who have zero goals in their MLS career aren’t supposed to shoot from 35 yards out. And they’re definitely not supposed to make that shot. They’re also not supposed to follow that up fifteen minutes later with an even bigger perfectly flicked header to the back post. Stammler also won WAY more than his fair share of headers defensively on free kicks and corners. Is this his career game or the launching pad for a new phase of his career? The first Red Bulls win ever has Stammler’s name written all over it. Peguero’s too, but we’re sure the All-Haitian XI will have lots to say about that.

Freddy Adu – (3)

The young phenom seems to be getting his confidence back. Adu had a great game against Columbus. It was arguably his best game of the year. He had to work hard for much of what he got and he is finally starting to click with Gomez. Freddy did everything but score a goal. He had several well taken shots and he should have put one away. But, once again, he found himself on the unlucky side of luck. Someday, hopefully someday soon, those shots will start going in.

Brad Davis – (2)

He is the poor man’s Eddie Lewis and he’s showing the sort of form that earned him some time with the US national team last year. Last weekend he had three assist-quality crosses but his comrades managed to plunge every one of them into the side netting or over the top – in other words, all the places that Brian Ching hasn’t put his headers this year. Also, just two minutes before MOTM Thiago’s goal, Davis forced a miracle save from Thiago; if that had gone in it would have changed the complexion of the entire game and Davis would have been MOTM.

Kyle Beckerman – (1)

He’s one of the biggest “would be really nice if he stepped up during the World Cup” players in the league. Some might say the wheels came off a little late in the second half, but Beckerman had already led Colorado’s midfield to a winning performance. Although he played no part in Colorado’s goal, he was a huge part of their early dominance, and almost certainly could have had a goal on a long blast.

Kenny Cooper – (4)

The match was clearly over after twenty minutes. But it may have been effectively over after only three. That’s how long it took Cooper to score a header goal in textbook fashion off a great Gbandi cross. After that Cooper continued to give the Revolution defense problems all game long. We also got to see what an asset his strength is when he received the ball in the box and muscled his way through a defender to get off a shot that ricocheted off the near-post. He’s deceptively fast for his size, has above average foot-skills and the confidence to take people on. Toss in a little creativity to boot and he’ll make a quick return (and then some) on FCD’s invest.

Ante Razov – (1)

Seriously? How does a guy have a game like this … and lose? Takes a perfect pass from Jesse Marsch and buries it far post for a first goal. Five minutes later, perfect lead pass to Mendoza who sets up Palencia for an easy finish - with Ante’s being the most crucial touch in the sequence. Then he catches Conway leaning the wrong way on a free kick 13 minutes later, and places the ball perfectly in the side netting. Finally, with time winding down, he feeds Mendoza perfectly again, forcing Canero to foul and give up a PK. Two goals, an assist, and some well deserved credit for the fourth. Despite our best efforts, we just can’t keep him off of the list this week.

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• Header by crewfan.
• List compiled and edited by The Belly with input from all the AAXI contributors.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on Mohamed Madihi.

People criticize the All-American XI every week. But beside the accusation that we ignore Crew players in favor of DC United players, no complaint has stung so much as the accusation that we moved to a blog format because we’re sell-outs. Every week we try to prove this scurrilous rumor false. The truth is we only wanted to take advantage of the unique blogging format that the internet offers. Yes, the blogs have given us a chance to create our own soapbox in this cyber-democracy of soccer discourse, one free of the crass commercialism that dominates the American sporting scene, and soccer in particular. When you come to the All-American XI, we want you to be sure that you’re reading only the finest soccer related commentary, unimpeded by corporate considerations or compromises to financial necessity.

So now that we’ve certainly set those concerns to rest, let’s turn our attention to Week #7 of the Major League Soccer season. Starting in Los Angeles, where Real Salt Lake managed to pull off a 3-0 win over Los Angeles. Seeing all of those lemon and lime uniforms without a Donovan or Albright must have made Atiba Harris and Jeff Cunningham thirsty for goals. Their performance was a nice change of pace for RSL, and hopefully their fans were inspired by a performance best summed up by “It was that refreshing!”

FC Dallas apparently had the Houston Dynamo defeated, but Houston kept their fuel-efficient engine running and the Power of Their Dreams salvaged a draw with an FCD own goal. Bonus points to Dominic Kinnear for lambasting Carlos Ruiz’s cowardice. Only a complete chicken dives so much. Over in Foxboro, New England showed great hunger for the win, and spread out the scoring in a 3-1 victory over Chivas USA. Exclusively on HDNet, Columbus was slightly more creative on the pitch, showing a few more ideas for life and outdueling Colorado 1-0. If only I had an HDTV and had seen that game — I bet it looked great!

New York fans are probably once again missing the King of Goals, Sergio Galvan-Rey, as they only managed one goal against Chicago in a 1-1 draw. They say you can’t beat the King. And Chicago looked a bit homesick in their play. If they can find a place that sells them, we recommend they buy Samsung A900 Bluetooth Enabled cell phones with built-in MP3 players to stay in touch with their loved ones in Chicago. Or, they can rely on Justin Mapp’s timely information on how far they are from home.

Don’t forget both FC Dallas and LA played a game mid-week, where FC Dallas showed they had just a little more in them to pull out the win. The Galaxy must feel a bit depleted now, and they sure could use some soccer-related charity to help them.

Finally, Kansas City and DC United had a great game in RFK. Alecko Eskandarian’s goal was fantastic, and Sasha Victorine played wonderfully despite his team’s 2-1 defeat. If only we at the All-American XI could look so good when we play our games.

So that’s the week that was in MLS. You can see that the AAXI has nothing but respect for the purity of the game, and that bringing you the highest-quality journalism is our only Goal! The Dream Begins, In Theaters Now.

This header may have been subject to the approval of Major League Soccer, its clubs, or its corporate masters.

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An industry standard 4-4-2 this week.

Jon Conway – (1)

Let’s see… NYRB keeper under intense pressure? Check. Fantastic saves that seem at odds with physical presence? Check. Keeper is Tony Meola? Um…. hey, wait a minute. NY got an outstanding match from the last-minute fill-in. Made some great saves, kept his defensemen’s ears buzzing and overall ran the show. Well done for someone who hasn’t played a league match in over a year. He deserved better — like a shutout.

Dasan Robinson – (1)

It’s “Who’s that Yank in Defense?” week in MLS, starring a cast of unknowns: Dasan Robinson, Jeff Larentowicz, Kevin Novak, Kyle Veris, Jason Hernandez, Willis Forko, Brent Whitfield, Matt Groenwald, and Kevin Goldthwaite. It really came to us when Max Bretos and Allen Hopkins called the RSL defenders “who?”: there’s lots of young Yanks playing defense that we’ve barely heard of before, if at all. Not all of these guys are rookies, but there’s a fine tradition of young Yanks performing well early in their MLS careers. Robinson was one of the many who? defenders for week seven - and one who had an AAXI worthy week. The Fire rookie defender had a lights out game in the back, controlling the forwards he marked. He was quick, had good positioning, saved a sure goal from Djorkaeff at one point, and distributed well. He looks to have an intelligent game that will fit well in the back line of Chicago.

Alex Yi – (1)

This kid is really starting to fulfill his potential. After spending last year on loan to Atlanta Silverbacks, Yi has come back much more confident on the ball, and more able to use his height to his advantage. Two stellar performances this week showcased how he’s turning into a presence to be reckoned with in the middle of the Dallas D. Yi always seemed to position himself well and dealt with constant activity in his own penalty area. And toward the end of the game against the Galaxy we started getting the impression that many of the fouls called on him weren’t really because he was actually fouling but because he’s so big that smaller players would run into him and get knocked down.

Drew Moor – (2)

Moor too played superbly in both matches. He’s fearless, fast, and, uh, flippin’ sweet. (it’s not easy alliterating with ‘f’, ya know). The missed header aside, Moor fit in well with FCD’s ever-changing lineup. He is positionally sound and strong in the air and tackle. He’s tough too: after taking a solid boot to the face, he didn’t even really break stride, but kept on going. He was like a Visa Card Wednesday night: Everywhere you wanted him to be.

Eddie Robinson – (1)

He shut down most of what Dallas attempted down the middle, and deserves hazard pay for dealing intelligently with Carlos Ruiz. Robinson’s pressure on Goodson helped cause the own goal. Solid as a rock back there. Dallas had very few close in chances because of his steady play. He also read the game very well, cutting off passing lanes and playing usually good balls to his teammates.

Carey Talley – (1)

We cannot believe we’re writing this - Carey Talley? AAXI material as a midfielder? If you saw the game on DirectKick, you saw a guy who replaced Douglas Sequiera (away on Costa Rican World Cup duty) and played the position better than his more celebrated teammate yet has this year. Two assists, including one perfect pass that sprung Jeff Cunningham for a breakaway goal. He worked his ass off the entire game, and provided RSL something they haven’t seen most of the year, which is a defensive player feeding the ball forward. Note to Ellinger: See what happens when you play people in the right position? They get a couple of assists and you end up winning a game. Kind of a novel idea, isn’t it?

Sasha Victorine – (2)

An argument can be made that Sasha is very quietly putting out a bona fide Best XI season. Once again, he was the straw that stirred KC’s drink, playing end line to end line. Dude was everywhere. Sasha was collecting scalps all night based on the DC players he either burned or stuffed. AAXI fave Josh Gros? Blows right by him. Dominic Mediate? This is why you are a reserve. Brian Carroll? It’s tougher out there with Namoff as opposed to Olsen, eh? Seriously: next KC game pay particular attention to Victorine.

Ned Grabavoy – (1)

Sorry to those of you without HDNet! Well, not too sorry, since most of the Crew-Rapids game was a pretty drab affair (that came through gloriously in HD!). But super-sub Grabavoy made this game more than just an exercise in appreciating the beauty of mud in HD. His terrific solo run, highlighted by a fake pass to Ngwenya, ended with a perfectly weighted shot and a 1-0 win for the Crew. Point SS1 (Sigi Schmid) over SS2 (Steve Sampson) in that trade so far.

Brian Mullan – (3)

He’s got some under-rated foot skill that we’re all just now starting to appreciate that can be added to his sweet crosses. Unfortunate for him that he didn’t have Brian Ching out there to get on the end of one of them, but he was a big part of the attack and helping Houston salvage a draw on the road. Calling him a “tireless worker” has gotten old, but his play is described by that term every game. He showed intensity, good control, and provided some offensive spark throughout the game. If the AAXI’s favorite midfielder had the same kind of intensity as Mullan he’d be overseas by now.

Jeff Cunningham – (1)

You score two goals in one game for RSL, you get a nomination. Set up the first goal through making the pass to Talley and subsequently playing the whistle. Maybe he should be a sub every week as his positioning and runs were textbook.

Alecko Eskandarian – (3)

By special request of Bill Archer it’s another DC United player for the AAXI. Does any American on the world cup team (or not) have a better first time volley shot? Unlike say, John Wolyniec a couple of years ago, Esky is scoring this way too many times now for it to be luck. Drew the game winning PK too. The most dangerous forward DC has right now.

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• Header by D.
• List compiled and edited by ur_land with input from all the AAXI contributors.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on Amado Guevara.

Our guest columnist this week is Peter King of Sports Illustrated, whose weekly MMQB column is a must read for any NFL fan. Now he brings his unique take on sports to the AAXI

HOUSTON — I was at Robertson Stadium last Saturday night and witnessed a great home crowd for the Houston Dynamo. I know San Jose fans are still hurting from the abrupt move of the Earthquakes to the Lone Star State. But the relationship between the fans and the players here is remarkable, considering how briefly this team has called Houston their home. Brian Ching received a hero’s welcome when his name was announced before kick off. Of course, the engine that makes this team run is Dwayne DeRosario, and fans here recognize that. But they love Ching here — he’s nearing Brett Favre status in Houston, and after just a handful of home games.

Here’s what transpired Saturday night. FC Dallas and Houston traded slim chances for the first 30 minutes or so. Then, Ricardo Clark blasted a goal from well outside the penalty box that caught the goalkeeper off guard and put Houston up 1-0. Then, as FC Dallas was probing for an equalizer, Ching headed home his league leading seventh goal of the season to put the home team on top 2-0. Then, just as regular time expired, Ching lobbed a perfectly weighted ball to DeRosario, who sped into the penalty box and seemingly iced the game at 3-0.

Of course, Dallas roared back in the second half, only to fall short after a remarkable goal by DeRosario raised the Houston tally to four. But throughout the game, Ching was battling for high balls on offense and tracking back on defense. And the crowd fell silent near the end of the game when Ching went down after a rough challenge. But he brushed himself off and finished the game. What a player. What a credit to MLS and to US soccer.

THE ELITE EIGHT

1. Houston (4-2-0): If they figure out how to hold onto a lead, they’ll be unbeatable.

2. DC United (3-1-2): Mulligan for their lackluster performance at Mile High.

3. Kansas City (4-1-1): Will struggle without Conrad, Johnson and Wolff. But Arnaud will rise to the occasion.

4. FC Dallas (3-1-2): Showed a lot of guts to almost come back from 3-0 at half time. Why isn’t Kenny Cooper starting for this team?

5. New England (2-2-1): Do you think Steve Nicol thanked Bruce Arena for leaving Taylor Twellman off the US roster? How many defenders are looking forward to facing Twellman with a Tony Meola-sized chip on his shoulder for the rest of the season?

6. Chicago (1-1-3): Road warriors keep earning points as they await the opening of Bridgeview.

7. Colorado (2-2-1): Jovan Kirovski is the second leading scorer in MLS right now. Who predicted that at the start of the season?

8. Chivas USA (1-2-1): They can’t wait for the next re-match with the Galaxy (who they are better than, despite losing to Landon Donovan a few weeks back). In the meantime they’ll have to tangle with the Revs.

THE AWARDS SECTION

Offensive Player of the Week: Houston Dynamo’s Dwayne DeRosario. With the exception of Landon Donovan, no player brings as much to the table as DeRo. He shoots. He scores. He plays defense. Wins games.

Defensive Player of the Week: Zach Thornton of the Chicago Fire stood on his head this week as he earned yet another point his team.

Coach of the Week: The Rapids’ Fernando Clavijo somehow managed to steal a win from DC United. Let’s face it: Clavijo is one of the best talent evaluators in the league. What if he’s actually learning how to manage a game?

AGGRAVATING/ENJOYABLE TRAVEL NOTE OF THE WEEK

Why, oh why, is there no Starbucks at Robertson Stadium? Unforgivable.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Houston’s Brian Ching and Dwayne DeRosario each have two game-winning goals so far this season.

TEN THINGS I THINK I THINK

1. I think some of the Revs had something to prove last week and did so at the expense of the LA Galaxy.

2. I think Chris Albright better not let any Italians or Czechs sucker him into a dumb foul like Twellman did on Saturday.

3. I think if Sharlie Joseph had become an American citizen, he’d have a ticket to Germany with his name on it right now.

4. I think Chris Rolfe is going to be very hard to keep off the US World Cup roster … in 2010.

5. I think this is what I liked about Week 6:

a. Dallas battling back on the road to make for a very entertaining first game between the Texas rivals.
b. Nicolas Hernandez slamming home the game-winning goal against DC United.
c. Justin Mapp.

6. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 6:

a. Carlos Ruiz’s antics. I know he’s been doing this for years, but seeing it in person is just disgusting. I can’t believe he ever gets any fouls called his way.
b. The Real Salt Lake - Columbus Crew game. Just unwatchable, but I watched anyway.

7. I think the team that’s going the struggle the most during the World Cup is the LA Galaxy. Without Landon Donovan (and now without Albright) they are essentially a USL team dressed up in MLS uniforms. Last year this wouldn’t have mattered because Chivas and RSL were so terrible. But Chivas is entirely capable of competing with their Home Depot neighbors and keeping the Galaxy out of the playoffs.

8. I think I’m worried about the health of John O’Brien. He’s played scant minutes for Chivas so far this year, and that doesn’t make me feel confident about his ability to contribute to the US team in Germany.

9. I think Eddie Pope has never been more happy to have his MLS season interrupted by a call-up to the national team. Think he’ll be playing extra hard to try to keep the US there as long as possible?

10. I think these are my non-MLS thoughts of the week:

a. Coffeenerdness: I have one tip for the coffee merchants of Houston, TX: make it stronger.
b. Paul Simon: Vastly underrated in music history.
c. What a great playoffs series between the Lakers and the Suns. Wish I’d been watching more of it this weekend.

WHO I LIKE TONIGHT, AND I DON’T MEAN ERIC WYNALDA

The LA Galaxy are a mess right now, and I expect FC Dallas to take out their frustrations from their loss to Houston on LA. Hoops 2-1.
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It’s D-mid Day here at the AAXI … It was clearly a good week for midfielders, but not so much for defenders. Hence, we have a 2-6-2. (Just don’t tell Steve Sampson – he might steal our formation for Saturday’s Coach-Off with John Ellinger.)

Zach Thornton – (1)

It isn’t often that saving a penalty kick is the second best save a goalie makes in a given sequence, but the stop Thornton made on Arnaud was much better. Hopefully, Big Zach got to spend some extra time in the whirlpool after the game to loosen out his back since he had to carry his whole team. When the Chicago midfield and defense decided to stand around and ask each other “Do I look fat in this jersey?” Thornton kept coming up with big save after big save. It was the best effort this young MLS season. Now, if only the MLS All-Star “Skills Competition” would make a comeback, we could see The Beast could retain his title as the man with the hardest shot in MLS.

Jay Heaps – (1)

High time that one of the Revolution’s defenders gets some credit. Seeing Heaps storming out of the back for New England had to be one more depressing sight for the Galaxy. How many weapons can one team toss out on a given day?

Michael Parkhurst – (1)

Another Revs defender makes the cut. This kid doesn’t get much recognition (yeah, yeah, we know, ROTY last year), but quietly plays the game as it ought to be played. He doesn’t make many mistakes. He’s just solid.

Pablo Mastroeni – (2)

Finally showed why he’s USA’s #1 destroyer – this is the first time this season that DC didn’t dominate in the midfield, and Mastro was the reason for that. If he plays for the USMNT the way he did in this game, the Nats are in good shape.

Brian Carroll – (2)

Carroll is making a name for himself as the model Major League Soccer professional. Against Colorado, he seemed to be the only steady and unshakable player for DC. He was a machine, covering miles in the midfield and playing smart passes forward. He’s DC United’s rock in the midfield.

Ricardo Clark – (1)

Clark had his best game of the season so far, and not only because of the goal (although goals certainly count for something, especially out of the middle). He seemed to re-discover how to connect with DeRosario, something that Houston desperately needed. If he continues to play this way for the next six to seven weeks, then Houston might actually find some attacking ideas that don’t involve long distance calls to Ching – which would, of course, be a very good thing while Ching’s in Germany.

Brian Mullan – (2)

If we were left backs on an MLS team, the last guy we would want lined up on the opponent’s right side is Brian Mullan. He’s not as skilled as some midfielders, but he will make your life hell for 90 minutes. He bolts down the flank with and without the ball, takes guys on with the ball at his feet, serves in effective crosses, and plays defense for the entire game.

Clint Dempsey – (3)

Dempsey must have listened to some samba before this game instead of his Texas raps. He certainly entertained, but he also destabilized the Galaxy defense and showed that he can terrorize from the flank. Deuce didn’t play a direct role in any goal, but humiliating Ugo Ihmelu was a good start to the World Cup season.

Josh Gros – (1)

This is almost a vote for consistency’s sake – Gros showed hustle, heart, and good passing skills all night in trying to jump start an anemic United attack. In every match he does good things on the dribble, tracks back, and even supplies some good balls into the box. He’s one of the hardest working players in MLS.

Taylor Twellman – (1)

Hey Bruce, we got your Brian Ching riiiiiiight HERE! After the week Twellman had, what with missing out on the World Cup squad and then having his grandfather pass away, he still managed to come out and do what he does best: strike when the opportunity presents itself. He made the great pass that led to the broken play that ended with his goal and his evocative pose in front of the “WHY NOT TAYLOR?” sign.

Brian Ching – (4)

Huh … we wonder if Ching saw Twellman’s performance in the afternoon game and said to himself, “If Taylor’s going to try to make people doubt my selection, I’ll give them something to think about.” Ching battled all night, scored a goal, assisted on one Dwayne DeRosario’s goal, and hustled back to help on defense. Ching continues to show that he can win and hold the ball for his teammates, even though everyone in the stadium knows that he’s the target of almost every long ball and cross. If Ching ran for Mayor of Houston he’d easily get 20,000 votes, because that’s how many people screamed like crazy when his name was announced before the game.

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• Header by Peter King Chris.
• List compiled and edited by kali with input from all the AAXI contributors.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on Darren Anderton.

Speculation about Bruce Arena’s 23-man World Cup roster has run rampant amongst soccer fans for the last several months. These same fans tuned into ESPN’s SportsCenter last night with breathless anticipation to see the official announcement of the USA’s World Cup roster.

But the contributors to the AAXI have discovered that last night’s announcement was all a ruse – Arena was simply announcing the players everyone expected to see. Come June these are the actual guys who will play for the USA in Germany.

Goalkeepers: Tony Meola (NYRB), Scott Garlick (RSL), and Bruce Arena (retired).

Following the advice of ESPN’s Kristian Dyer, Arena went with one of the most experienced keepers available. “100 caps is 100 caps,” explained Arena. “Sure, I only played in goal once for the US. But I’ve improved since giving up two goals to Israel in 1973. And besides, Tony and I wear the same size jersey.”

As for Garlic, Arena explained: “It’s not because he played for me in DC. It’s his awesome mustache! I haven’t seen facial hair like that since LaVolpe stormed off the field in Columbus last year.”

Defenders: Chris Albright (LA Galaxy), Nate Jaqua (Chicago Fire), Taylor Twellman (New England Revolution), Conor Casey (Mainz), Chad Barrett (Chicago Fire), Edson Buddle (Columbus Crew)

Of his defenders, Arena said: “Did you see how much ass Tony Sanneh kicked in 2002? He actually started his career as a forward. And Chris Albright is the best right back in the league. He also started out as a forward. Why waste time with conventionally trained defenders? They’re not usually big enough or good enough on set pieces. I’m converting every forward I can think of into a defender.”

Midfielders: Justin Mapp (Chicago Fire), Freddy Adu (DC United),

“Clearly the best midfielder in MLS is Justin Mapp. He can do so much with the ball at his feet. He was really all I thought we needed to put ourselves in a position to succeed at this World Cup. But then I heard about this Adu kid – apparently there’s been some kind of buzz around him, so I thought I’d give him a look.”

As for Landon Donovan, Arena admitted, “I didn’t think Landon Donovan would be comfortable or happy in Germany, so I told him to just hang out in Huntington Beach. You know how Landon is: if he’s not happy, he doesn’t play well.”

Arena conceded that some other midfielders were last minute scratches. “When I called John O’Brien to tell him, he dropped his cell phone on his foot and shattered every bone in his body. Also, Benny Olsen was on my short list but too many Big Soccer posters complained about my DC United bias. I’ve learned that the collective wisdom of guys who sit at their computers all day posting rants about soccer is much better than my decades of experience with the sport. So Ben stays home.”

Arena also added, “Did you know that Ronnie O’Brien is not American? I just found out this weekend. I really thought he could have contributed to our team.”

Forwards: Alecko Eskandarian (DC United), Chris Rolfe (Chicago Fire), Herculez Gomez (LA Galaxy), Jason Kreis (RSL), Chris Carrieri (Richmond Kickers), Ante Razov (Chivas USA), Jeff Cunningham (Colorado Rapids), John Wolyniec, (Columbus Crew), Jamil Walker (DC United), Mike Magee (NYRB), Bobby Boswell (DC United)

“I figured I’d just bring every forward from MLS who’s gotten on a hot streak over the last couple of years. Kreis has more than 100 career goals in MLS, and Chris Carrieri was really on fire a couple of years ago. And last year, Bobby Boswell scored seven goals as a defender, including one against Chelsea! Sure, three of them were own goals, but I really think he could be the next Jeff Agoos. Anyway, one of these guys is bound to get hot at the World Cup. And it wasn’t like Twellman, Wolff and Johnson were lighting it up this year.”

At the end of the interview, Arena revealed perhaps his biggest surprise. “Oh,” he said, “and my new assistant coach is Steve Sampson. We’re going to adapt his brilliant 3-6-1 into a 3-1-6. Watch out Czech Republic!”

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An Italy fear our depth 4-4-2:

El Guzano - (1)

Last year many of us watched Chivas USA week after week just to see Brad Guzan play in goal. In fact, Guzan was usually the only reason to watch that team. This year Chivas USA offers a greater array of reasons to tune in, but last weekend Guzan showed why he remains a big draw. Unlike the Chivas USA forwards, the Red Bulls didn’t shoot right at the keeper. Brad Guzan had to come up very big on several occasions - particularly against Mike Magee. Without his reaction saves Red Bull would have come away with a win.

Chris Albright - (2)

With his combination of speed and size, and his ability attack from deep Albright is arguably the best right back in the league. He didn’t make the World Cup squad, but his omission wasn’t on account of his performance on Saturday. He owned the right side of the field. Nothing got close to the LA goal on his side, and he had a nice assist on the second goal. With Donovan heading off to camp Albright has picked a nice time to raise his game to a new level.

Drew Moor - (1)

The Dallas backline was torched with the exception of one player: Drew Moor. Forget a beer, his teammates on FC Dallas owe him and Sala half a keg each. The second year defender had an excellent game against DC United. He was especially effective when called upon to mark Gomez out of play, and didn’t falling for the back heel touches that the Mo/Go combo thrive on.

Pablo Mastroeni - (1)

Pablo was not involved in a pretty game. Although several attackers had (brief) moments, both offenses struggled in a difficult match. Defensively, Mastroeni controlled the middle of the backline for Colorado kept DeRo and Clark from having any joy at all. Offensively, he also had some surging runs of his own. Colorado’s relatively good defensive effort is due mostly to Mastroeni’s work in the center of the park.

Big Bird - (2)

New England may yet again be an offensive juggernaut, but last weekend Jim Curtin won a ton of individual battles and delayed the Revolution’s offensive resurgence at least another week. Curtin was really the only player who caught our attention in the New England – Chicago match. (Of course we have to admit to succumbing at times to the bliss of sleep.) He was solid, winning balls in the air, imposing himself physically on the Revolution forwards (strike that image) and making some key tackles. He almost cost the Fire with a poke away that went right to Twellman, but the Revolution striker couldn’t do anything with it.

Benny Olsen - (2)

If you’re wondering how on earth Bruce Arena can justify putting Ben Olsen on the World Cup roster then you haven’t been watching DC United much this season. Quite simply, Olsen is playing the best soccer of his career and he just played himself onto the World Cup team. He’s the reason teams can’t string passes together in the midfield against DC United. Last weekend he notched a rocket of a goal, played some energetic defense and, most importantly, shaved his beard.

Sasha Victorine - (1)

On a team with a front line of Wolff-Johnson-Arnaud you’d think the forwards were the key to their attack, but the fact is in Kansas City the forwards go only as far as the midfielders carry them. That’s why Bob Gansler says Sasha Victorine is the most important player on his. Sasha was very active over the weekend and did his best to wake the sleepy Kansas front line enough to shoot at goal. Finally, he offered up a gift that not even Josh Wolff could blow. Like the blind man in a brothel, convert he did - thereby saving us all from seeing Victorine string him up with the goal net.

The Messiah - (2)

This child born unto us, he’s scary sometimes. Freddy Adu had neither a goal nor an assist, but watching him beat Greg Vanney like a rented mule all night gets him a nomination. He made some crazy sick moves (as the young folks say - average age of the AAXI editorial staff: 79). If Nike doesn’t take the highlights from last weekend and make a commercial out of them, then they’re not paying attention. Basically, he added a nice ‘Ohhhhh’ factor to the game. (You know, like on those home videos when some cute little kid with a wiffle ball bat smacks his unsuspecting father in between the legs, the natural reaction is ‘ohhhhhhhh’.) Freddy capped off with some good defensive play. We wish he were a year more experienced so he could play for USA in the World Cup. Oh well. He can go in 2010. And 2014. Not to mention 2018 when he’ll be all of 28 …

The Prophet - (2)

Alexi Lalas can’t wait for the World Cup. Landon Donovan will be gone, the Galaxy will drop every single game, and he’ll have the perfect opportunity to axe Steve Sampson. Landon plays the game at a higher level than most everyone else in the league. Againt Salt Lake he danced and glided; he scored a goal and assisted on two others, blah blah blah. The only thing that would have been more AAXI-worthy is if he’d taken us up on our offer to loan him our ballet shoes. The highlight came not with his goals or assists but when in one fluid motion and with hi back to the goal, he took the ball down from a Kevin Hartman’s mile-high, 75-yard kick so easily it was like it was gently placed on his foot, redirected it through the defender-on-his-back’s legs, and spun around that defender to break free with the ball. While we’re not normally given to hyperbole (editor: right) that was some kind of Brazil-style shiznit. Point is they should drop that whole “LA Galaxy” veneer and just call that team what it is: FC Donovan.

Brian Ching - (3)

Boy, that Colorado – Houston game was a pretty ugly. If someone held a gun to our heads (and it happens more often then you think), we might consider watching it again. The Chinger gets a place on this week’s AAXI because he was the only dangerous player on the field in that eyesore of a game. Everyone knows Houston relies primarily on one attacking idea: airmail to Ching. Occasionally, Alejandro Moreno will try to connect on a long ball or cross, but those efforts hardly add much diversity to Houston’s predictable attack. Conseqently, Ching gets covered by the opposition’s best marker, best defender in the air, or both – but he still wins most of the balls that rain down his way. On his and the game’s only goal, he wasn’t able to score with his initial header off a DeRosario corner-kick but followed up on the rebound and put it in with his foot after Cannon couldn’t hold on to it. His goal against Colorado won’t win any awards, but it was a fitting reward for his efforts against a defense that knew full well that he was the only realistic option for his team.

Jason Kreis - (2)

For a guy who’s nearly 50 years old and has been in the league since before Preki was born, Jason Kreis sure can play. Career goal 102, plus a great assist, gets him a nod from us. Right now, he’s the most exciting thing in Salt Lake. Kreis is proving that as you get older, you don’t have to turn into a forward that takes off half the game. (If you get tired, just get ejected for the last ten minutes!) Despite Ellinger’s best attempts to ruin him, Jason Kreis manages to do it all: score, provide assists, track back on defense, and fool Hobbit Kennedy into forgetting yellow cards with his chicanery.

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• Header by Chris.
• List compiled and edited by ursula with input from all the AAXI contributors.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on Sunil Gulati.