Speculation about Bruce Arena’s 23-man World Cup roster has run rampant amongst soccer fans for the last several months. These same fans tuned into ESPN’s SportsCenter last night with breathless anticipation to see the official announcement of the USA’s World Cup roster.

But the contributors to the AAXI have discovered that last night’s announcement was all a ruse – Arena was simply announcing the players everyone expected to see. Come June these are the actual guys who will play for the USA in Germany.

Goalkeepers: Tony Meola (NYRB), Scott Garlick (RSL), and Bruce Arena (retired).

Following the advice of ESPN’s Kristian Dyer, Arena went with one of the most experienced keepers available. “100 caps is 100 caps,” explained Arena. “Sure, I only played in goal once for the US. But I’ve improved since giving up two goals to Israel in 1973. And besides, Tony and I wear the same size jersey.”

As for Garlic, Arena explained: “It’s not because he played for me in DC. It’s his awesome mustache! I haven’t seen facial hair like that since LaVolpe stormed off the field in Columbus last year.”

Defenders: Chris Albright (LA Galaxy), Nate Jaqua (Chicago Fire), Taylor Twellman (New England Revolution), Conor Casey (Mainz), Chad Barrett (Chicago Fire), Edson Buddle (Columbus Crew)

Of his defenders, Arena said: “Did you see how much ass Tony Sanneh kicked in 2002? He actually started his career as a forward. And Chris Albright is the best right back in the league. He also started out as a forward. Why waste time with conventionally trained defenders? They’re not usually big enough or good enough on set pieces. I’m converting every forward I can think of into a defender.”

Midfielders: Justin Mapp (Chicago Fire), Freddy Adu (DC United),

“Clearly the best midfielder in MLS is Justin Mapp. He can do so much with the ball at his feet. He was really all I thought we needed to put ourselves in a position to succeed at this World Cup. But then I heard about this Adu kid – apparently there’s been some kind of buzz around him, so I thought I’d give him a look.”

As for Landon Donovan, Arena admitted, “I didn’t think Landon Donovan would be comfortable or happy in Germany, so I told him to just hang out in Huntington Beach. You know how Landon is: if he’s not happy, he doesn’t play well.”

Arena conceded that some other midfielders were last minute scratches. “When I called John O’Brien to tell him, he dropped his cell phone on his foot and shattered every bone in his body. Also, Benny Olsen was on my short list but too many Big Soccer posters complained about my DC United bias. I’ve learned that the collective wisdom of guys who sit at their computers all day posting rants about soccer is much better than my decades of experience with the sport. So Ben stays home.”

Arena also added, “Did you know that Ronnie O’Brien is not American? I just found out this weekend. I really thought he could have contributed to our team.”

Forwards: Alecko Eskandarian (DC United), Chris Rolfe (Chicago Fire), Herculez Gomez (LA Galaxy), Jason Kreis (RSL), Chris Carrieri (Richmond Kickers), Ante Razov (Chivas USA), Jeff Cunningham (Colorado Rapids), John Wolyniec, (Columbus Crew), Jamil Walker (DC United), Mike Magee (NYRB), Bobby Boswell (DC United)

“I figured I’d just bring every forward from MLS who’s gotten on a hot streak over the last couple of years. Kreis has more than 100 career goals in MLS, and Chris Carrieri was really on fire a couple of years ago. And last year, Bobby Boswell scored seven goals as a defender, including one against Chelsea! Sure, three of them were own goals, but I really think he could be the next Jeff Agoos. Anyway, one of these guys is bound to get hot at the World Cup. And it wasn’t like Twellman, Wolff and Johnson were lighting it up this year.”

At the end of the interview, Arena revealed perhaps his biggest surprise. “Oh,” he said, “and my new assistant coach is Steve Sampson. We’re going to adapt his brilliant 3-6-1 into a 3-1-6. Watch out Czech Republic!”

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An Italy fear our depth 4-4-2:

El Guzano - (1)

Last year many of us watched Chivas USA week after week just to see Brad Guzan play in goal. In fact, Guzan was usually the only reason to watch that team. This year Chivas USA offers a greater array of reasons to tune in, but last weekend Guzan showed why he remains a big draw. Unlike the Chivas USA forwards, the Red Bulls didn’t shoot right at the keeper. Brad Guzan had to come up very big on several occasions - particularly against Mike Magee. Without his reaction saves Red Bull would have come away with a win.

Chris Albright - (2)

With his combination of speed and size, and his ability attack from deep Albright is arguably the best right back in the league. He didn’t make the World Cup squad, but his omission wasn’t on account of his performance on Saturday. He owned the right side of the field. Nothing got close to the LA goal on his side, and he had a nice assist on the second goal. With Donovan heading off to camp Albright has picked a nice time to raise his game to a new level.

Drew Moor - (1)

The Dallas backline was torched with the exception of one player: Drew Moor. Forget a beer, his teammates on FC Dallas owe him and Sala half a keg each. The second year defender had an excellent game against DC United. He was especially effective when called upon to mark Gomez out of play, and didn’t falling for the back heel touches that the Mo/Go combo thrive on.

Pablo Mastroeni - (1)

Pablo was not involved in a pretty game. Although several attackers had (brief) moments, both offenses struggled in a difficult match. Defensively, Mastroeni controlled the middle of the backline for Colorado kept DeRo and Clark from having any joy at all. Offensively, he also had some surging runs of his own. Colorado’s relatively good defensive effort is due mostly to Mastroeni’s work in the center of the park.

Big Bird - (2)

New England may yet again be an offensive juggernaut, but last weekend Jim Curtin won a ton of individual battles and delayed the Revolution’s offensive resurgence at least another week. Curtin was really the only player who caught our attention in the New England – Chicago match. (Of course we have to admit to succumbing at times to the bliss of sleep.) He was solid, winning balls in the air, imposing himself physically on the Revolution forwards (strike that image) and making some key tackles. He almost cost the Fire with a poke away that went right to Twellman, but the Revolution striker couldn’t do anything with it.

Benny Olsen - (2)

If you’re wondering how on earth Bruce Arena can justify putting Ben Olsen on the World Cup roster then you haven’t been watching DC United much this season. Quite simply, Olsen is playing the best soccer of his career and he just played himself onto the World Cup team. He’s the reason teams can’t string passes together in the midfield against DC United. Last weekend he notched a rocket of a goal, played some energetic defense and, most importantly, shaved his beard.

Sasha Victorine - (1)

On a team with a front line of Wolff-Johnson-Arnaud you’d think the forwards were the key to their attack, but the fact is in Kansas City the forwards go only as far as the midfielders carry them. That’s why Bob Gansler says Sasha Victorine is the most important player on his. Sasha was very active over the weekend and did his best to wake the sleepy Kansas front line enough to shoot at goal. Finally, he offered up a gift that not even Josh Wolff could blow. Like the blind man in a brothel, convert he did - thereby saving us all from seeing Victorine string him up with the goal net.

The Messiah - (2)

This child born unto us, he’s scary sometimes. Freddy Adu had neither a goal nor an assist, but watching him beat Greg Vanney like a rented mule all night gets him a nomination. He made some crazy sick moves (as the young folks say - average age of the AAXI editorial staff: 79). If Nike doesn’t take the highlights from last weekend and make a commercial out of them, then they’re not paying attention. Basically, he added a nice ‘Ohhhhh’ factor to the game. (You know, like on those home videos when some cute little kid with a wiffle ball bat smacks his unsuspecting father in between the legs, the natural reaction is ‘ohhhhhhhh’.) Freddy capped off with some good defensive play. We wish he were a year more experienced so he could play for USA in the World Cup. Oh well. He can go in 2010. And 2014. Not to mention 2018 when he’ll be all of 28 …

The Prophet - (2)

Alexi Lalas can’t wait for the World Cup. Landon Donovan will be gone, the Galaxy will drop every single game, and he’ll have the perfect opportunity to axe Steve Sampson. Landon plays the game at a higher level than most everyone else in the league. Againt Salt Lake he danced and glided; he scored a goal and assisted on two others, blah blah blah. The only thing that would have been more AAXI-worthy is if he’d taken us up on our offer to loan him our ballet shoes. The highlight came not with his goals or assists but when in one fluid motion and with hi back to the goal, he took the ball down from a Kevin Hartman’s mile-high, 75-yard kick so easily it was like it was gently placed on his foot, redirected it through the defender-on-his-back’s legs, and spun around that defender to break free with the ball. While we’re not normally given to hyperbole (editor: right) that was some kind of Brazil-style shiznit. Point is they should drop that whole “LA Galaxy” veneer and just call that team what it is: FC Donovan.

Brian Ching - (3)

Boy, that Colorado – Houston game was a pretty ugly. If someone held a gun to our heads (and it happens more often then you think), we might consider watching it again. The Chinger gets a place on this week’s AAXI because he was the only dangerous player on the field in that eyesore of a game. Everyone knows Houston relies primarily on one attacking idea: airmail to Ching. Occasionally, Alejandro Moreno will try to connect on a long ball or cross, but those efforts hardly add much diversity to Houston’s predictable attack. Conseqently, Ching gets covered by the opposition’s best marker, best defender in the air, or both – but he still wins most of the balls that rain down his way. On his and the game’s only goal, he wasn’t able to score with his initial header off a DeRosario corner-kick but followed up on the rebound and put it in with his foot after Cannon couldn’t hold on to it. His goal against Colorado won’t win any awards, but it was a fitting reward for his efforts against a defense that knew full well that he was the only realistic option for his team.

Jason Kreis - (2)

For a guy who’s nearly 50 years old and has been in the league since before Preki was born, Jason Kreis sure can play. Career goal 102, plus a great assist, gets him a nod from us. Right now, he’s the most exciting thing in Salt Lake. Kreis is proving that as you get older, you don’t have to turn into a forward that takes off half the game. (If you get tired, just get ejected for the last ten minutes!) Despite Ellinger’s best attempts to ruin him, Jason Kreis manages to do it all: score, provide assists, track back on defense, and fool Hobbit Kennedy into forgetting yellow cards with his chicanery.

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  • Header by Chris.
  • List compiled and edited by ursula with input from all the AAXI contributors.
  • All typos and errors should be blamed on Sunil Gulati.