While cleaning out his attic in England, an English soccer fan recently discovered what appears to be the beginnings of a lost work of Tolkien entitled The Fellowship of the Cup. When he read the manuscript, he was utterly shocked to discover that Tolkien had been a secret fan of the USMNT. In disbelief, he decided to give this work to the most highly regarded group of distinguished scholars he knew, a group with an unmatched reputation as defenders of truth, justice, punditry, and sheer lunacy: the AAXI. (We told him he really needs to get out more often.) After carefully examining the manuscript for its authenticity, we have decided that, you, the devoted readers of the AAXI, should be the first to read it:

Many years ago, deep within the dark land ruled by FIFA, the sinister lord forged many cups, which he gave to different countries and leagues. There was the Champions League, the MLS Cup, the UEFA Cup, the all-important MLS All-Star game, the FA Cup, La Manga Cup, the Libertadores Cup, and many, many others. Clubs and countries played for these cups. They fought hard battles for these cups in the vain hope of gaining them, based on the belief that these cups would bring them great power and honor. But they were all deceived. You see, the dark lord FIFA had forged one Cup to rule all cups:

One Cup to rule them all
One Cup to find them
One Cup to bring them all
And in the World Cup bind them

As Germany ‘06 loomed on the horizon, soccer fans and players worldwide began to have an ever-increasing sense of foreboding about the Cup; rumors had begun to spread about the fearful Cupwraiths, who were out to seek and win the World Cup for themselves. The darkest rumors speculated that the most fearful one of them all was leading the Cupwraiths. Fans scarcely dared to say his name, and when they did, it was only in hushed tones: Steve Sampson.

In the great city of Washingdell, where the honest, trustworthy politicians defend truth and justice, a great council of MLS coaches and players was convened to prepare to meet the challenge of the One Cup met in order to discuss what they should do about the One Cup. Some suggested that they form a 3-6-1 formation to counter the Cupwraith offense. Others suggested that they send all the Cupwraiths back to the hospital, to clear a path through the heart of Germany. Still others suggested they fine the Cupwraiths an undisclosed amount for improper remarks. A few insisted only the one they call Mapp could lead them to victory. The argument grew more and more heated, until someone (to this day, no one knows who), suggested the perfect solution: they should take the bravest, most stouthearted American soccer players, and form the Fellowship of the Cup. It may have been a fool’s hope to believe that the Americans would be capable of gaining possession of the Cup, but the council believed this was the best way to overcome the menace of the Cupwraiths.

The great wizard Bruce the Blue volunteered to help lead this unlikely Fellowship, and then set about the arduous task of selecting the other members of the Fellowship. After a long, hard search, the council agreed with Bruce on the 11 best suited for the task ahead:
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Like this week’s lineup, your father’s Oldsmobile was a 4-4-2.

Zach Thornton – (2)

Over the weekend there was one truly inspirational performance by an MLS goalkeeper. Unfortunately, Bouna Coundoul is not eligible for the AAXI. But Big Zach is, and he made a solid case for himself as the weekend’s best American between the posts. He used his body to blast through crowds to punch out dangerous balls, and had a few nice reflex saves to earn the clean sheet.

Kyle Veris – (1)

The rookie defender was a beacon of light in a match laden with suckitude. He’s been a stalwart in the Galaxy defense since Albright left for the World Cup and you have to like the qualities he offers: he’s huge and he knows how to use his presence to dominate defensively - think Gooch-light. Last weekend he managed the backline admirably even with all of the offensive thrusts the Galaxy were sending forward. His distribution from the back needs work, but five games into his career, he’s already a better man-marker than most backs in the league. He’s even more impressive when you realize he was converted to fullback only late in his college career.

C.J. Brown – (1)

The Fire vet gives thuggery a good name. He’s the kind of player forwards never want to play against, because they know they’ll be soaking in the ice bath after the game. He plays hard, covers the field and has no problems letting your grandchildren know that he just leveled you. He’s lost a step over the years, but his head is still in the game, and he can still punish a forward, smile, and walk away with the best of ‘em.

Chad Marshall – (1)

The third year defender put in a fine performance against DC United last weekend. He was under a tremendous pressure, handled United’s fast attack admirably well, and played a major role in keeping the game a draw despite of the large shot count differential.

Dasan Robinson – (2)

It was another solid game from the rookie. He’s been doing a damn fine job after being asked to step into a makeshift defensive lineup with both Curtin and Segares out. He’s not making spectacular tackles or tracking down a streaking forward because he always seems to be in position and controlling his man. He dominated the air in front of Chicago’s goal with surprising ease, and he shut down all of Houston’s efforts from the wing as effectively as anyone has this year. Dasan won’t be on a developmental contract for very long.

Seth Stammler – (1)

Guys who have zero goals in their MLS career aren’t supposed to shoot from 35 yards out. And they’re definitely not supposed to make that shot. They’re also not supposed to follow that up fifteen minutes later with an even bigger perfectly flicked header to the back post. Stammler also won WAY more than his fair share of headers defensively on free kicks and corners. Is this his career game or the launching pad for a new phase of his career? The first Red Bulls win ever has Stammler’s name written all over it. Peguero’s too, but we’re sure the All-Haitian XI will have lots to say about that.

Freddy Adu – (3)

The young phenom seems to be getting his confidence back. Adu had a great game against Columbus. It was arguably his best game of the year. He had to work hard for much of what he got and he is finally starting to click with Gomez. Freddy did everything but score a goal. He had several well taken shots and he should have put one away. But, once again, he found himself on the unlucky side of luck. Someday, hopefully someday soon, those shots will start going in.

Brad Davis – (2)

He is the poor man’s Eddie Lewis and he’s showing the sort of form that earned him some time with the US national team last year. Last weekend he had three assist-quality crosses but his comrades managed to plunge every one of them into the side netting or over the top – in other words, all the places that Brian Ching hasn’t put his headers this year. Also, just two minutes before MOTM Thiago’s goal, Davis forced a miracle save from Thiago; if that had gone in it would have changed the complexion of the entire game and Davis would have been MOTM.

Kyle Beckerman – (1)

He’s one of the biggest “would be really nice if he stepped up during the World Cup” players in the league. Some might say the wheels came off a little late in the second half, but Beckerman had already led Colorado’s midfield to a winning performance. Although he played no part in Colorado’s goal, he was a huge part of their early dominance, and almost certainly could have had a goal on a long blast.

Kenny Cooper – (4)

The match was clearly over after twenty minutes. But it may have been effectively over after only three. That’s how long it took Cooper to score a header goal in textbook fashion off a great Gbandi cross. After that Cooper continued to give the Revolution defense problems all game long. We also got to see what an asset his strength is when he received the ball in the box and muscled his way through a defender to get off a shot that ricocheted off the near-post. He’s deceptively fast for his size, has above average foot-skills and the confidence to take people on. Toss in a little creativity to boot and he’ll make a quick return (and then some) on FCD’s invest.

Ante Razov – (1)

Seriously? How does a guy have a game like this … and lose? Takes a perfect pass from Jesse Marsch and buries it far post for a first goal. Five minutes later, perfect lead pass to Mendoza who sets up Palencia for an easy finish - with Ante’s being the most crucial touch in the sequence. Then he catches Conway leaning the wrong way on a free kick 13 minutes later, and places the ball perfectly in the side netting. Finally, with time winding down, he feeds Mendoza perfectly again, forcing Canero to foul and give up a PK. Two goals, an assist, and some well deserved credit for the fourth. Despite our best efforts, we just can’t keep him off of the list this week.

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• Header by crewfan.
• List compiled and edited by The Belly with input from all the AAXI contributors.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on Mohamed Madihi.