The spectacle ranks at the top of the world’s most popular entertainment events, surpassing even a silly event involving a pointy ball and expensive commercials, another silly event honoring films no one sees by choice, and a huge sporting spectacle honoring an ancient Greek tradition very faithfully, except that the athletes now wear clothing (Sasha Cohen – sadly born in the wrong millennium.) Of course, I speak of that time every four years where every soccer league in the world stops to focus on one small group of players, battling in the greatest showcase possible, in the heat of summer, under incredibly intense scrutiny. Yes, every league stops play, but one – and the eyes of the world focus intently on the critically important events taking place during … the third month of the MLS regular season.

Every soccer fan knows that the third month of the lengthy MLS regular season is the most critical (although only once every four years), with games televised in every nation, in languages to numerous to count. At the center of all of this attention is a lone American forward, his nation’s leading scorer in league play. “I can’t begin to describe the sheer intensity, pressure, and joy I feel,” said Taylor Twellman, star striker for the New England Revolution. “This is truly the single best opportunity of my career to show the world what I can really do. Why, just the other day I invited Steve Ralston, Pat Noonan, and Matt Reis out for lunch to talk about how lucky we are. Michael Parkhurst was going to join us, but Steve Nicol recommended he not come. Whatever.” Twellman held both hands to his forehead, forming a “W” with his fingers. “It would have been great to have Avery John here with us, too – I heard he’s not as busy as he planned to be for the next week or so. We talked for hours about how THRILLED we all are to be here for these four weeks, knowing that every soccer fan in the world will follow our every move as we climb our way back to our rightful place at the top of the Eastern Conference table. We have two conferences again, right? Not that stupid, confusing three division thing?”

Elsewhere in the league, other players are feeling similar butterflies over all of the impending attention. Kerry Zavagnin of the Kansas City Wizards, for one, feels that this is his time to shine. “Although it would be nice to have my boys: the freestyle rapper, the aspiring AAXI columnist, and Jason Wolff with me for this run, I’m more than ready to prove to the world that I’m the best defensive midfielder in MLS.” Zavagnin paused a moment, then mused, “Well, except for maybe Pablo Mastroeni. And Shalrie Joseph. And now that he’s back from injury, arguably Richard Mulrooney. Chris Armas still shows flashes of brilliance, too. And that John O’Brien guy looked awfully good for about six minutes earlier this year. Oh, and Ricardo Clark is improving pretty quickly, too. At least Michael Bradley’s out of the league – oh crap, I forgot about like, four different guys on DC United…”

Columbus Crew veteran Frankie Hejduk waxed a bit philosophical. “This is always my favorite part of the soccer quadriennal, when I always inexplicably bring my best game. It’s a phenomenal opportunity for the young guys on our squad like Chad Marshall and Eddie Gaven. Who says they’re not ready for the top level of soccer? All the European scouts will come running after they see these guys in action. It’s a shame I’m not healthy enough to play, although I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be here if I were…” A wistful Hejduk took a moment to reflect, and to remember that he’s supposed to be typecast as the surfer dude of American soccer. “I like, TOTALLY wish I was able to kick it around. I can’t even catch a wave, I’m so bumming. Dude. And I’ve always wanted to compare hair with Pavel Nedved.”

Phenom Freddy Adu is also feeling the crushing weight of expectations. “Although I’m already hideously overexposed, even relative to my rapidly improving play, I still wouldn’t change places with Theo Walcott for all the . Imagine, being his age, and to not even have played a single minute for Arsenal in the Premiership yet? Poor guy. Arsene Wenger makes Peter Novak look like Santa Claus.” Freddy screwed the top off a bottle of Sierra Mist, which he subtly spiked with a shot of grain alcohol to make it potable. “My good friend Pele, when he played for the Cosmos, never got an opportunity like this, with all of the leagues in the world stopped just to watch the NASL.”

For reasons unclear to me, my editors demanded that I interview Tomas Rosicky for this article. Rosicky commented, “American fans, it’s probably for the best that you focus your attentions on your side of the pond… nothing to see here in Europe… but please send that Justin Mapp to join me at Arsenal next season.”
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Taking a hint from the old adage “the best offense is a good defense,” this week’s lineup is a tad heavy on the defense, with the ever-popular 4-3-1, and two ‘keepers in goal (the eleventh guy was ejected before this post was uploaded, so we didn’t think it necessary to include him):

Preston Burpo – (2)

The goal was his fault but he really saved 3 points for Chivas in this match. Made a number of difficult saves. Solid outing from the old man. Pulled off a great, stretching kick save, stretched out the aging body to block out a Hurclez Gomez firecracker of his own, then managed to just get a hand on John Wolyniec’s unimpeded shot on goal from close range and push it our for a corner. He was a big reason the Goats finally got their first win over intra-city rival LA.

Joe Cannon – (1)

The one goal Colorado scored wouldn’t have stood up if not for a pair of saves that his replacement likely wouldn’t have made. Good to see him back, and in form, though RSL fans would’ve preferred that he sit out another week! He’s also the only reason anyone watching the game was able to stay awake. The rest of the game was a snoozer.

Tim Regan – (3)

The other big reason the Goats maintained the lead and got the win. He marked well, clogged the box, and cleared out most every dangerous ball that found its way in front of the goal. Bob Bradley knew he wanted to bring this kid with him to LA and his decision to do so has been paying dividends all season. There’s a reason he’s been on the AAXI a few times already. We were starting to think that the ESPN2 tandem of Glen Davis and Shep Messing were on a broadcast loop in the second half of the game: “that attack broken up by Regan.”

The Enigma – (1)

Greg Vanney is one of the hardest players to figure out this year. One week he looks like he should retire, while the next he looks like an all-star. An odd season to be sure - but this week was one of the all-star weeks, making him AAXI worthy.

Kyle Brown – (1)

OK, so he played only 8 official minutes. However, his play in the extra time - and particularly the slick pass to Dorman with no time remaining - sure didn’t look to us like a rookie playing his first minutes.

Matt Groenwald – (1)

He may have come in as a late sub for KC, but he had four good crosses and good defense. And like we said, the best offense is a good defense.

Ricardo Clark – (2)

Clark had a good two way game for the Dynamo, highlighted by Youri Djorkaef eventually moving out wide to make it easier to collect and distribute away from Mr. Clark’s attentions. The complete nullification of Amado Guevara when he was subbed in can be chalked up to two people: Ricardo Clark and the enigmatic Guevara himself. That Clark scored a long range goal to salvage the tie for Houston makes his performance that much better. He basically controlled the middle of the field which allowed DeRo to make some dangerous runs that he uncharacteristically whiffed on each and every time. Besides, he was the only rational nomination from the game. Sad but true. We could have told you he’d eventually score; the Red Bulls still have yet to hold a lead - even in their only win, they let up four goals while ahead. It’s a disease. Or a gambling problem. We can’t decide which.

Old Man Cobi Jones – (1)

The Old Man gets the nod this week for returning from injury to inject a real shot into the moribund LA team. His goal to tie the game was wily, like the veteran himself. Great touch around Perkins to slot home and earn the tie - and make no mistake, after getting no points since April, a tie against front running DC had to feel good.

Justin Mapp – (2)

He put in a flawless performance against the Revs. He made every shot he took, ran circles around every opponent he encountered, and never let even one Revs attacker get past him. He here at the AAXI were absolutely astonished by his performance.

Ante Razov – (3)

Ante begins his “I should be in Germany” American Tour with two sweet goals in front of the Chivas faithful at Home Depot Center. We like the way he celebrated, too: he had a clear ‘I’ve been there before, and I’ll be there again’ attitude. Class. Reminded us of Zidane’s volley in the Champion’s League final. What a shot. Utterly unstoppable. It went off the cross, first time, speeding at 80 mph into the top of the net. It was either going to be a goal or Kevin Hartman was going to be hurt because he got in its way. His first goal was a rare treat that, unfortunately for everyone who wasn’t watching (which was pretty much every soccer fan in the US), came before the World Cup hoopla, rather than after, when we won’t have so much soccer to distract us. Last week we mentioned that if you weren’t watching the Chivas broadcasts, you were missing out on seeing one of the players who is simply fun to watch. Can we say, “Told you so?”

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  • Header by casper.
  • List compiled and edited by crewfan, with input from all the AAXI contributors.
  • All typos and errors should be blamed on Joseph Blatter.