Some of the AAXI staff had the chance to catch ESPN2’s broadcast of Once In A Lifetime, the well received documentary of the heyday of the New York Cosmos. It was a fun way to spend the evening - more fun, some would argue, than the Revs-Red Bulls game which preceded it - but there were some things in Once In A Lifetime that we found ourselves wishing had only happened that one time. We speak specifically of a scene that features people talking about Pele’s first game at the stadium on Randalls Island - his feet were green at the end, with what he thought was a fungus. Turns out they had spray painted the field green to give the appearance of a nice grass field.

And that’s the kind of field “improvement” that we wish was a one-time thing, unnecessary thirty years after the spray paint incident for Pele’s first game. But we have more than our fair share of attempts to manipulate less than ideal field conditions. Some of these even happen on the bane of many players and fans, where fields of Field Turf have been installed in place of grass. In stadiums where MLS shares occupancy with NCAA or NFL teams, this leads to the periodic “erasing” of the football lines and logos - which are never quite gone, and put a disappointing stamp of sorts on the field even before the late season re-painting of “UTES” and “GIANTS” and the like. But painting isn’t the only problem, as the sand on some of the fields has to be watered, and the rubber pellets on others have to be “ploughed” to get them up near the service. Watering and ploughing artificial turf? Seriously?

As bad as the Field Turf stadiums are, and odd the manipulations are, it often pains us as fans to see the grass Soccer Specific Stadiums [SSS] in need of something reminiscent of the Cosmos’ long ago spray paint job. Of course, this stems from the stadiums not being truly SSS, but that’s a topic for another AAXI. What results is fields in need of quick improvement. Torn up grass and vast swatches of bare grass, muddy fields and fields that are too dry. Heroic efforts are needed to get these things looking even quasi-presentable for television broadcasts, and the result is many of us cringing when we see the games on TV or in person.

They may not be the best looking fields week in and week out, but how does one improve a field that just hosted the X-Games, Major League Baseball (and its associated dirt infield), or an R&B concert? Green spray paint, anyone?
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And on to the list for Week 25. After a season of odd formations, we toss a new one at you this time around: the ever popular 2-2-4, with 3 goalkeepers. Is it our fault if three of the best eleven Yank performances were from netminders? Hardly. The “G” Goalies Three are presented in alphabetical order for your reading pleasure.

Scott Garlick – (1)

Scotty “Pepper” really kept Salt Lake in the game as the second half opened with his team down a goal to Dallas and down a man as well. He made four strong saves - and gave up no rebounds - to keep the deficit at a goal and pave the way for RSL’s remarkable comeback win. Without the stellar play of Garlick, the rest of the team’s effort would have come to naught.

Bill Gaudette – (2)

Gaudette kept the Crew in the game against the Red Bulls almost single handedly as an anemic offense was accompanied by two very soft ejections, leaving Gaudette to bail out Columbus time and again. He even saved a penalty kick, and with five minutes left it appeared likely that he would earn Columbus an unlikely point. Josmer Altidore’s bomb may have been saveable, but you can hardly fault Wild Bill on the night.

El Guzano – (2)

Brad Guzan had a pair of good performances last week. El Guzano was probably the best player on Sunday night in the Chivas-Houston game. He completely controlled his box and left Houston’s predictable, crossing and long ball offense helpless. He just ate up everything that Houston put in the air in the box and, well, Houston likes to put everything in the air in the box. He also had a couple of very nice reaction saves. Midweek he made one of the best saves of the year late in the game, robbing Carlos Ruiz like a Gringo in Tijuana. Ruiz hit a snap header from 8 yards out, head high and moving to Guzan’s right. The kid had no business saving it, but he made a beautiful diving save anyway.

Craig Waibel – (4)

Waibel began the game as the right outside back and then moved to central defense after Ryan Cochrane left the game injured. Ante Razov will get his chances, but Waibel kept him out of the game for most of the night. Interestingly, the Houston offense usually started from Waibel’s position at right back when he was there. Regardless of where Houston recovered the ball, the backs or Clark would get it to Waibel who would then set up newcomer Paul Dalglish, DeRo, or Brian Ching from the wing. Waibel - yes, that Waibel - actually helped make up for the loss of Brian Mullan on the right until he had to move over centrally.

C.J. Brown – (2)

This veteran sometimes seems like the kindest enforcer in the league. Other times, he brings the scowling hammer, but against DC he was the former - whack you with a kindly smile seemed to be his MO. Brown shut down every attack that came at him - mostly through a pedestrian Jaime Moreno but when others threatened as well. It ended up something of a drab affair, and it’s fair that a defender take the player of the match honors for the game.

Ricardo Clark – (6)

Clark may have had one of his most effective games ever. He let nothing move through the center of the park. Clark absolutely terrorized the Chivas midfield, which is otherwise perfectly capable of quick, smart ball movement. He made Chivas’ usually sharp midfield look like the fifth choice midfield for the Crew (which, unfortunately enough for Crew fans, is the one that has taken the field most often this year). He also connected fairly well in attack with Dwayne DeRosario, Ching, and Kenny Dalglish’s kid.

Chris Klein – (3)

Klein was a force down the right side of the field for Real Salt Lake. He scored one of the more ludicrous goals you’ll see, beating five Dallas defenders and slotting the ball through Dario Sala’s legs and into the far side netting from a ridiculous angle to tie the game. His hard crosses from the right were also difficult to deal with all night, and he dropped back effectively in helping lead RSL to an unlikely 10-man win after trailing 2-1. Too bad more of you couldn’t see the game; it was one of the best MLS games this year.

Jonathan Bornstein – (6)

This AAXI favorite again looked dangerous for Chivas USA. I don’t think he had any idea that Juan Pablo Garcia was charging forward when his touch ended up in Garcia’s path, but the presence that Bornstein had to get in the position in the first place, and then stymie Dario Sala with the pullback - great stuff.

Abe Thompson – (1)

Thompson was part of an attack that really clicked in the first half in Salt Lake City. Thompson had assists on both the goals that Carlos Ruiz scored, and played a fine game overall. This isn’t his first good game in the Wasatch, either, as he scored his first professional goal there last year. We may see more of Mr. Thompson in future Dallas games - he looked to be one of the only Dallas players who really cared for 90 minutes.

Jason Kreis – (4)

Old Man Kreis has received his fair share of criticism from Salt Lake fans this year - much of it a bit on the unfair side. Coach John Ellinger has moved him around a good bit to plug whatever hole needed plugging, often multiple times in the same game, and Kreis has done so uncomplainingly. But since he has been expected to score goals, and has only seven, folks have been frustrated. Saturday night he did it all. He started up top with Attiba Harris, then dropped back as defensive mid when Carey Talley was red carded about half an hour in. A tactical substitution saw him back up top in half two, a position from which he scored a sweet winning goal - at which time he dropped deep again. A true veteran performance.

Josmer Altidore – (1)

The rookie made his first MLS goal count - in a big way. His game-winning goal advanced the Red Bulls’ halfhearted playoff “charge” a critical step. Yes, we noticed that Columbus decided not to defend him, and Gaudette could have done more than just try a fingertip save, but Altidore showed a great leg, killer instinct, confidence and athleticism in one dazzling moment. Notably, he did not earn a Sierra Mist endorsement for his trouble, though he did become the youngest non-Adu to score in league history.
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• Header by ismitje. (All other AAXI contributors appear like midgets next to ismitje.)
• List compiled and edited by ismitje with input from a bunch of veritable midgets.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on Max “I was sure the Galaxy would make the playoffs” Bretos.

Believe it or not, the AAXI staff is not the first group to collaborate on a weekly soccer column focused all or in part on the American game. In fact, as difficult as it is for us to admit, this may not even be the finest collaborative soccer column we’ve read. Those of you new to the American soccer scene, or too young to remember the “old days” of 1999-2002, missed one of the great weekly reads. And just as we’d like this humble column to be remembered some day, we’re turning this week’s header over to honor the Late, Great soccer column to which we refer: the Turd of the Week (TotW).

Before we begin, a word of caution. As you might infer from the title, the Turd of the Week may not be entirely work safe. True, the images and graphics are far from cutting edge today, and almost all of them are quite funny, but some might hold some surprise “all these years” later. Regardless, feel free to click over to view an archive of the columns at http://prestonm.com/brewcity/totw.shtml - all 150 of them - at any time. You’re liable to be hooked and end up reading the entire archive.

The Turd of the Week was the brainchild of erstwhile Milwaukee Rampage fan Preston McMurry, whose goal was to pursue “to ends of the Earth the cretins, jerks, morons, bozos, and buffoons who persist in ruining the Beautiful Game.” Other fans had only to take the TotW oath to qualify to write for the Turd of the Week column, which an impressive 58 people in addition to Mr. McMurry decided to do. Not surprisingly, the initial targets (honorees?) of the column were major players in the world of soccer - USSF President Bob Contiguglia (for his support of a biannual World Cup), UEFA President Lennart Johannsen (for tacitly supporting the two-referee system), and FIFA President Sepp Blatter (for floating the idea of changing all soccer leagues to February-November schedules). The early columns didn’t feature much more than the Turd himself (or herself - ex-UNC and USWNT player Debbie Keller appeared in both 1999 and 2002), but the complexity of the column expanded quickly to include rants, occasional statistical analysis, a weekly blotter of soccer-related imbroglios, and a vastly expanded list of honorees. Consider the following:

TotW #9 - Greek Mutt
TotW #36 - Fernando Marcos (USL president)
TotW #53- Big Mouth Asshole Parents (BMAPs, a favorite subject)
TotW #62 - Metros Fans Who Love Oldfart (aka Lothar Matthaus)
TotW #88 - BigSoccer.com
TotW #106 - USA Defense
TotW #148 - People of Columbus

True, it could not have been fun being the target of one of the columns, but for many of the rest of us, it was a fun way to spend time every week - even those of us who never took the TotW oath.

So as inappropriate as it may seem to honor a Turd - here’s to the Late, Great Turd of the Week.

On to the list. We had so much positive feedback that we’ve brought back the 5-2-3. Don’t like long ball? Find us some more Yank midfielders to excel week in and week out!
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Jon Conway – (2)

… is the only reason that the Red Bulls weren’t blown out of this one. Most of his seven saves were very difficult, and he needed to be at the top of his game to give New York a chance to tie as the game wound down. Both Clint Dempsey and Andy Dorman would have seen one of their multiple chances hit the back of the net if not for good play from Conway. The choice for starting keeper in New York just got tougher - Tony Meola and his big contract are probably out in the offseason.

Eddie Pope – (5)

… once again stymied an opponent, this time Jaime Moreno, in a draw against DC United. He also anticipated through balls very well and started the Salt Lake attack a number of times. In fact, Pope fit into DC United’s attack so well, you’d think he was their third forward. On top of all that, he roamed forward enough to add a threat to Real’s attack.

CJ Brown – (1)

… has been relatively nondescript this season - nothing spectacular, but good enough to shore up the three man backline. He did look good against the Crew - and any defender who hasn’t scored since 1998 (201 games!) and who helped hold off a hard-charging opponent with a man advantage deserves a nod.

Bryan Namoff – (1)

… played well in something of a makeshift DC defense that mostly kept Jeff Cunningham in check. In fact, Namoff himself seemed to have primary responsibility for marking Cunningham, who rarely popped up to threaten the DC goal.

Greg Vanney – (1)

… has quietly put together one of the better seasons of any MLS defender. He played well again against Chivas, helping the Western Conference leaders to a tie at the Home Depot Center. Fellow defender Clarence Goodson seemed to pop up more on the offensive end - on set pieces - than on the defensive end, so Vanney gets the nod.

Craig Waibel – (3)

… was back in the lineup for the Dynamo and played a typically solid game, while also scoring a goal. Waibel was not the most graceful guy out there, but he got his job done with hard tackles, good positioning, and an incredibly timely goal. Of course, when you make a run and a corner kick lands on your foot, you’d better score!

Pete Vagenas – (1)

… played what may be his first really good game of the year in a 2-1 loss to Houston. Where this attacking-minded version of Pete has been all year is a question that Galaxy fans have to be asking after this display.

Brad Davis – (3)

… didn’t last the whole game, but until he was subbed out late in the second half he played a great game. Davis’ defense is still a little suspect, but he’s now making up for that with intensified effort. He also played parts in both of Houston’s goals, setting up Waibel’s goal with a nice corner kick, and battling Pete Vagenas to spring DeRosario for the game winner.

Davy Arnaud – (2)

… netted a nice pair on Saturday. With two goals on great shots, the reigning MLS Player of the Week is the latest Wizard to pick up the scoring slack from projected scoring duo Josh Wolff and Eddie Johnson, joining Scott Sealy and Jose Burciaga, Jr. with as many or more goals than KC’s Big Guns.

Jeff Cuningham – (6)

… had another quality assist against DC. Stymied on a through ball by surprise United starter Nick Rimando, Cunningham pulled back his run, turned deftly, and laid a perfect ball to a surging Chris Klein, who put the ball in off the far post. Cunningham gets credit for his speed and his goals, but his passing has also been excellent - and his ten assists are tied for the league lead.

Kenny Cooper – (8)

… has been absent from the AAXI for far too many weeks in a row. No fear; Cooper scored a beautiful goal against Chivas USA and again demonstrated excellent touch on the ball. This time he sent a beautiful long range shot past a diving Brad Guzan and into the far upper corner. Welcome back, Mr. Cooper!
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• Header by ismitje.
• List compiled and edited by ismitje with input from the AAXI contributors.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on Chief Apologist Bill Archer.

Some of the most pressing questions of American soccer fandom elude most of us. Interestingly, these pressing questions don’t include discussions of MLS moving to a European schedule, or whether or not MLS should adopt a single table, or how many teams should get in the playoffs. The real most pressing question of American soccer fandom is this: which of the noise devices common to MLS stadiums is most annoying? This week the AAXI staff looks at four of the most pervasive sources of “artificial” noise at MLS stadiums, which includes almost anything not produced by clapping, stomping, shouting, or singing alone. Sorry, Chivas USA supporters: those odd wooden, ratchety noise makers don’t make the list, since they’re still a unique staple of your team’s fans.

Canned Music Canned music is a staple of the American sports stadium experience. In other settings, canned music is actually a popular, effective way to generate excitement and enthusiasm among a crowd exposed to too many stoppages in the action. What would pointy ball be without music during the television breaks, or baseball without both canned music and organ tunes between batters and innings? But why anyone thinks that imposing canned music into the flowing action of an MLS match is a mystery. It sounds lame in Kansas City, and it sounds bad in Salt Lake City, and it just doesn’t work . . . anywhere. Add in the fact that it tends to be the same songs regardless of sport and regardless of city (see Rob Walker’s 2003 article on slate.com for details) and the annoyance level rises. Annoyance factor (scale of 1-10) = 8.

Stadium Horns Why do these things retail for so little? Even slapping the official merchandising logo of an NFL team on one of these things only jacks the price up to around $6, meaning that the low end plastic odes to joy cost less than a stadium dog - even on Columbus’s famous Buck-a-Brat night. Your friends over at Stadium Toys (“The place for noisemakers”) Have a new version called the Rally Horn that makes it easier to hold and so more accessible to more people (shudder), since kids don’t have to worry about that long handle. And kids with a stadium horn are incapable of getting bored while blowing the things, so they’re guaranteed to give hours of fun all game long - and before the game, and in the concession area, and at halftime, and in the parking lot, and in your sleep when you get home . . . Annoyance factor: 10

Thunder Sticks Some of the AAXI staffers remember the novelty of the first US Soccer Thunder Sticks that we beheld, which were distributed in a game in Portland, Oregon in the run-up to World Cup 1998. Like that famous result from that Spring in Austria, when the US first used the 3-6-1 and pounded a European team on European soil, 3-0, the debut of the thunder stick seemed to promise good things for the American fan experience. Like what happened with the 3-6-1 that Summer, when the US crashed out of the World Cup in last place, the thunder stick has since failed to live up to the hype. The noise is simply to easy to make, and too difficult to incorporate into the ebb and flow of a soccer game. Perhaps this tidbit from San Francisco Chronicle writer Scott Ostler sums up how some of us feel about the now-ubiquitous thunder sticks: “Memo to all you slack-jawed thunder-stick pounders: To give those things the dignity they deserve, a simple pin-stick will convert them to Whoopie Cushions.” Annoyance factor: 6.

Cow Bells Cow bells have some strong proponents amongst American soccer fans. Fan groups like to use them - nowhere more than at Mississippi State University, where school officials had to ban them due to the overwhelming din they created at home games. Individuals like them too, such as the New York Mets own “CowBell Man” who clangs his all over Shea Stadium to mixed reviews (you can read some strong opinions about the role of CowBell Man at) . And even though some “true” American soccer fans - who wouldn’t be caught uttering a positive word about stadium horns, thunder sticks, or canned music - like them, what makes the cow bell an acceptable part of American soccer fandom? That they may have been used in a soccer culture elsewhere first is one guess. But the relative stature of cow bells makes it had for us to rate them low - Annoyance factor: 6.
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As usual, the AAXI for this week is in a bit of an unorthodox lineup: the 5-2-3. If you don’t have a strong midfield, why not hoof it up to the forwards and go from there?

Troy Perkins – (6)

Can you make the AAXI without making any particularly outstanding stops, especially in a week when Joe Canon stood up RSL? Perkins didn’t make many memorable saves, but that’s because he controlled his box so well, and kept things organized in the back so well, that Chivas hardly gave him - or DC United - any trouble.

Ryan Cochrane – (4)

Some of us on the AAXI staff don’t like the guy, but that is only because he plays for a team other than our own. His physical play in the back and dominance in the air in the midweek clash with the Fire was quite impressive. Nate Jaqua was able to win maybe a header or two all night, because Cochrane was winning damn near every aerial battle he leapt into. He committed a couple dumb fouls, and was annoyed with Calen Carr’s speed, but a little maturing and he could further solidify himself as a solid member of any back line in MLS.

Dasan Robinson – (6)

His play has been consistent over the last two months, pretty much since he broke into, and established himself in the Fire’s starting lineup. Against Houston he won nearly every head ball that he challenged for. He spent the night breaking up plays, distributing well from the back, and keeping several Dynamo players in check. And the funny thing is, this was in his “weak” game of the week as he looked even better on Sunday against New York. His only apparent deficiency at the moment is his hesitancy to make runs forward. He isn’t afraid to make pinpoint passes in the air or on the ground to streaking forwards or midfielders, but he rarely ventures very far forward. Building his confidence a bit more could see the emergence of Carlos Bocanegra’s successor in full.

Eddie Pope – (4)

Eddie Pope played a pair of strong games, although RSL split the week’s games. Midweek against LA, he led something of a makeshift defense with fellow central defender Jack Stewart out on a red card suspension. With Pope calmly controlling the middle of the field, there were lengthy swaths of the game where Landon Donovan’s name wasn’t even mentioned. In the close loss to Colorado on Saturday he wore the armband and did his best to keep an edgy game from getting out of hand.

Pablo Mastroeni – (4)

True, Mastroeni should probably share this week’s spot with Dan Gargan. And true, his post game celebration was downright bizarre. But Pablo played as good a defensive match as any player has in MLS this year in almost completely shutting down Jeff Cunningham in the Rocky Mountain Cup grudge match. This was the kind of performance not often seen by MLS fans but which keep Mastro a USNT regular. The reason that he gets the nod over Gargan is that both of the games in which Gargan has excelled have come in the pair of games he has lined up next to Mastroeni - meaning that Pablo gets an “assist” in Gargan’s good showing.

Chris Leitch – (1)

Leitch rarely ventured forward since he probably knew that Crew teammate Eddie Gaven would not cover for him. The good news is that this allowed Leitch to concentrate almost exclusively on his defense. This meant that the Revs got nearly nothing going down Leitch’s side of the field and eventually switched their attack almost exclusively to the other side of the field.

Justin Mapp – (4)

The guy has finally found his role for the Fire. As a free roaming AM Mapp is at his most dangerous. Against Houston he was all over the field, giving their defense fits as he made dangerous runs and whipped crosses into the box. His run to meet a nice through ball from CJ Brown and cutback before his shot to beat Onstad wasn’t beautiful or spectacular, but an example of pure, simple soccer. He still disappeared for short stretches, and could have therefor had a greater impact on the game, but his performance was good enough for the nomination in a weak week for AAXI midfielders.

Sasha Victorine – (3)

Both Victorine and fellow wide midfielder Jack Jewsbury regularly appeared on weekly AAXI lists early in the season, but have long since disappeared from the ranks of the Yank elite. Last week’s games saw the return of solid play from Victorine, as he put in a pair of strong performances in a week that featured great news for the long term future of the team in Kansas City off the field, but a relatively disappointing week on the field.

Calen Carr – (1)

This rookie just oozes potential, and we saw flashes of greatness against Houston. His speed and willingness to take on opposing players bodes well for his future. What stood out was the multitude of slicing and slashing runs he made, literally “Carrving” up the Dynamo defense. If the Fire midfield had been able to pass better than a u-11 AYSO team he might have had a goal or three, but he proved dangerous, drawing fouls and keeping the Houston defense on their toes all night.

Jason Garey – (1)

Has any rookie been more disparaged this season than Garey? Deservedly so, true, until this week. He scored the opening goal off a rebound and played roles in the other two Crew goals as well as Columbus exploded for a 3-0 win over New England. Garey is not currently the most skilled forward in the league, but on the night he knew exactly how to be in the right place in the right time and never quit. Despite the safe lead, he was still hassling the Revs defenders in the dying minutes of the game. Essentially, he out-Taylor Twellmaned Taylor Twellman.

Alan Gordon – (1)

Gordon may be the best story of the last month in MLS. Seemingly on his way to Portland to get some playing time, coach Frank Yallop instead kept him in LA and gave him three straight starts. A goal last week was followed by a midweek game against RSL, when Gordon was about the only positive thing the Galaxy had going for them. He couldn’t replicate his previous performance and score a goal, but you could bet that whenever LA generated any sort of pressure, Gordon was the cause of it. Then over the weekend he exploded for a brace against Kansas City in an important Galaxy win, and always seemed on the verge of doing something else noteworthy. Glad you could stay, Mr. Gordon.
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• Header by ismitje.
• List compiled and edited by ismitje with input from the AAXI contributors.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on Sigi Schmid.