Some of the most pressing questions of American soccer fandom elude most of us. Interestingly, these pressing questions don’t include discussions of MLS moving to a European schedule, or whether or not MLS should adopt a single table, or how many teams should get in the playoffs. The real most pressing question of American soccer fandom is this: which of the noise devices common to MLS stadiums is most annoying? This week the AAXI staff looks at four of the most pervasive sources of “artificial” noise at MLS stadiums, which includes almost anything not produced by clapping, stomping, shouting, or singing alone. Sorry, Chivas USA supporters: those odd wooden, ratchety noise makers don’t make the list, since they’re still a unique staple of your team’s fans.

Canned Music Canned music is a staple of the American sports stadium experience. In other settings, canned music is actually a popular, effective way to generate excitement and enthusiasm among a crowd exposed to too many stoppages in the action. What would pointy ball be without music during the television breaks, or baseball without both canned music and organ tunes between batters and innings? But why anyone thinks that imposing canned music into the flowing action of an MLS match is a mystery. It sounds lame in Kansas City, and it sounds bad in Salt Lake City, and it just doesn’t work . . . anywhere. Add in the fact that it tends to be the same songs regardless of sport and regardless of city (see Rob Walker’s 2003 article on slate.com for details) and the annoyance level rises. Annoyance factor (scale of 1-10) = 8.

Stadium Horns Why do these things retail for so little? Even slapping the official merchandising logo of an NFL team on one of these things only jacks the price up to around $6, meaning that the low end plastic odes to joy cost less than a stadium dog - even on Columbus’s famous Buck-a-Brat night. Your friends over at Stadium Toys (“The place for noisemakers”) Have a new version called the Rally Horn that makes it easier to hold and so more accessible to more people (shudder), since kids don’t have to worry about that long handle. And kids with a stadium horn are incapable of getting bored while blowing the things, so they’re guaranteed to give hours of fun all game long - and before the game, and in the concession area, and at halftime, and in the parking lot, and in your sleep when you get home . . . Annoyance factor: 10

Thunder Sticks Some of the AAXI staffers remember the novelty of the first US Soccer Thunder Sticks that we beheld, which were distributed in a game in Portland, Oregon in the run-up to World Cup 1998. Like that famous result from that Spring in Austria, when the US first used the 3-6-1 and pounded a European team on European soil, 3-0, the debut of the thunder stick seemed to promise good things for the American fan experience. Like what happened with the 3-6-1 that Summer, when the US crashed out of the World Cup in last place, the thunder stick has since failed to live up to the hype. The noise is simply to easy to make, and too difficult to incorporate into the ebb and flow of a soccer game. Perhaps this tidbit from San Francisco Chronicle writer Scott Ostler sums up how some of us feel about the now-ubiquitous thunder sticks: “Memo to all you slack-jawed thunder-stick pounders: To give those things the dignity they deserve, a simple pin-stick will convert them to Whoopie Cushions.” Annoyance factor: 6.

Cow Bells Cow bells have some strong proponents amongst American soccer fans. Fan groups like to use them - nowhere more than at Mississippi State University, where school officials had to ban them due to the overwhelming din they created at home games. Individuals like them too, such as the New York Mets own “CowBell Man” who clangs his all over Shea Stadium to mixed reviews (you can read some strong opinions about the role of CowBell Man at) . And even though some “true” American soccer fans - who wouldn’t be caught uttering a positive word about stadium horns, thunder sticks, or canned music - like them, what makes the cow bell an acceptable part of American soccer fandom? That they may have been used in a soccer culture elsewhere first is one guess. But the relative stature of cow bells makes it had for us to rate them low - Annoyance factor: 6.
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As usual, the AAXI for this week is in a bit of an unorthodox lineup: the 5-2-3. If you don’t have a strong midfield, why not hoof it up to the forwards and go from there?

Troy Perkins – (6)

Can you make the AAXI without making any particularly outstanding stops, especially in a week when Joe Canon stood up RSL? Perkins didn’t make many memorable saves, but that’s because he controlled his box so well, and kept things organized in the back so well, that Chivas hardly gave him - or DC United - any trouble.

Ryan Cochrane – (4)

Some of us on the AAXI staff don’t like the guy, but that is only because he plays for a team other than our own. His physical play in the back and dominance in the air in the midweek clash with the Fire was quite impressive. Nate Jaqua was able to win maybe a header or two all night, because Cochrane was winning damn near every aerial battle he leapt into. He committed a couple dumb fouls, and was annoyed with Calen Carr’s speed, but a little maturing and he could further solidify himself as a solid member of any back line in MLS.

Dasan Robinson – (6)

His play has been consistent over the last two months, pretty much since he broke into, and established himself in the Fire’s starting lineup. Against Houston he won nearly every head ball that he challenged for. He spent the night breaking up plays, distributing well from the back, and keeping several Dynamo players in check. And the funny thing is, this was in his “weak” game of the week as he looked even better on Sunday against New York. His only apparent deficiency at the moment is his hesitancy to make runs forward. He isn’t afraid to make pinpoint passes in the air or on the ground to streaking forwards or midfielders, but he rarely ventures very far forward. Building his confidence a bit more could see the emergence of Carlos Bocanegra’s successor in full.

Eddie Pope – (4)

Eddie Pope played a pair of strong games, although RSL split the week’s games. Midweek against LA, he led something of a makeshift defense with fellow central defender Jack Stewart out on a red card suspension. With Pope calmly controlling the middle of the field, there were lengthy swaths of the game where Landon Donovan’s name wasn’t even mentioned. In the close loss to Colorado on Saturday he wore the armband and did his best to keep an edgy game from getting out of hand.

Pablo Mastroeni – (4)

True, Mastroeni should probably share this week’s spot with Dan Gargan. And true, his post game celebration was downright bizarre. But Pablo played as good a defensive match as any player has in MLS this year in almost completely shutting down Jeff Cunningham in the Rocky Mountain Cup grudge match. This was the kind of performance not often seen by MLS fans but which keep Mastro a USNT regular. The reason that he gets the nod over Gargan is that both of the games in which Gargan has excelled have come in the pair of games he has lined up next to Mastroeni - meaning that Pablo gets an “assist” in Gargan’s good showing.

Chris Leitch – (1)

Leitch rarely ventured forward since he probably knew that Crew teammate Eddie Gaven would not cover for him. The good news is that this allowed Leitch to concentrate almost exclusively on his defense. This meant that the Revs got nearly nothing going down Leitch’s side of the field and eventually switched their attack almost exclusively to the other side of the field.

Justin Mapp – (4)

The guy has finally found his role for the Fire. As a free roaming AM Mapp is at his most dangerous. Against Houston he was all over the field, giving their defense fits as he made dangerous runs and whipped crosses into the box. His run to meet a nice through ball from CJ Brown and cutback before his shot to beat Onstad wasn’t beautiful or spectacular, but an example of pure, simple soccer. He still disappeared for short stretches, and could have therefor had a greater impact on the game, but his performance was good enough for the nomination in a weak week for AAXI midfielders.

Sasha Victorine – (3)

Both Victorine and fellow wide midfielder Jack Jewsbury regularly appeared on weekly AAXI lists early in the season, but have long since disappeared from the ranks of the Yank elite. Last week’s games saw the return of solid play from Victorine, as he put in a pair of strong performances in a week that featured great news for the long term future of the team in Kansas City off the field, but a relatively disappointing week on the field.

Calen Carr – (1)

This rookie just oozes potential, and we saw flashes of greatness against Houston. His speed and willingness to take on opposing players bodes well for his future. What stood out was the multitude of slicing and slashing runs he made, literally “Carrving” up the Dynamo defense. If the Fire midfield had been able to pass better than a u-11 AYSO team he might have had a goal or three, but he proved dangerous, drawing fouls and keeping the Houston defense on their toes all night.

Jason Garey – (1)

Has any rookie been more disparaged this season than Garey? Deservedly so, true, until this week. He scored the opening goal off a rebound and played roles in the other two Crew goals as well as Columbus exploded for a 3-0 win over New England. Garey is not currently the most skilled forward in the league, but on the night he knew exactly how to be in the right place in the right time and never quit. Despite the safe lead, he was still hassling the Revs defenders in the dying minutes of the game. Essentially, he out-Taylor Twellmaned Taylor Twellman.

Alan Gordon – (1)

Gordon may be the best story of the last month in MLS. Seemingly on his way to Portland to get some playing time, coach Frank Yallop instead kept him in LA and gave him three straight starts. A goal last week was followed by a midweek game against RSL, when Gordon was about the only positive thing the Galaxy had going for them. He couldn’t replicate his previous performance and score a goal, but you could bet that whenever LA generated any sort of pressure, Gordon was the cause of it. Then over the weekend he exploded for a brace against Kansas City in an important Galaxy win, and always seemed on the verge of doing something else noteworthy. Glad you could stay, Mr. Gordon.
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• Header by ismitje.
• List compiled and edited by ismitje with input from the AAXI contributors.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on Sigi Schmid.