Don Garber sat as his desk, frozen in stunned silence. A league employee had just handed him and instant messenger transcript, captured from a PC at the offices of the Red Bulls that demanded his attention. But the right course of action wasn’t clear. The fear foremost in Garber’s mind: what would he do if the transcript got into the hands of the AAXI?

Well, of course we got it. Somehow, we always do.

ilBruce: u there?
really20: yup. haven’t heard from u in a while. wuzzup?
ilBruce: wanted to c u again. moving to ny hasn’t been that great.
really20: should’ve worked out that trade. that guy jozy isn’t working out?
ilBruce: don’t get me wrong – on the field, he’s been great. he’s a no go on the other stuff – only 16 and not really into that kind of stuff.
really20: ive told u – not my thing, either. don’t you know ‘bout my girl jojo?
ilBruce: was sure that was a cover. looks like i’ll be back in old va after next week – we’ve only got the one more game, i’m pretty sure. youre not seeing pele again behind my back, are you?
really20: whatever, dude. nobody gives it up for sierra mist. besides, u got your little midget up there with u now. nice work getting him that job, than yanking it away from him right away.
ilBruce: don’t remind me – he hasn’t been the same since. had to bring in harkes just to make the peace. but come see me later this month – you’ll have fun – just ask convey.
really20: dude, why do you think he was desperate to get to England for like three whole years. i bet u put the work permit committee up to that bs.
ilBruce: yeah that was awesome. played the guy every minute for like two years, then told the committee he actually sucked (no pun intended) that was awesome. anyway, why u so hostile?
really20: it wasn’t too cool inviting me to camp last winter just to “hang out.” and telling me that ld used to do it was all kinds of wrong. you’d never so that to deuce – he’d cut you.
ilBruce: so I guess that’s a no?
really20: buddy, run for congress – you’ll have a better shot. and stay the *!#& out of the dc locker room during the playoffs.
…

For the penultimate edition of the 2006 AAXI, we present you with a 2-6-2, which may be the only line up we haven’t trotted out yet this year.

Brad Guzan – (3)

didn’t get the memo that Bob Bradley secretly WANTED Chivas to lose, to sabotage the Red Bulls’ playoff chances. Jason Hernandez WAS in on the deal with Bob, allowing multiple free breaks through the central defense, and even conceding a crucial penalty on an ugly, stupid tackle where he whiffed the diving Josh Wolff but still richly merited being called for the penalty. Guzan stuffed at least two clear-cut breakaways with great anticipation, and was just a little more fingertip away from stopping a penalty and being the guaranteed goalkeeper for the AAXI.

Hunter Freeman – (1)

what can you say about a youngster who anchors his defense from the wing very effectively, AND picks a fight with Dema Kovalenko in the same game? You put him on the AAXI. Freeman already looks like a lock to become a solid MLS vet; he’s on that relatively long list of guys who may get their first cap during the next couple of years. A solid youth Nats resume has him on the radar.

Jose Burciaga Jr. – (2)

didn’t have the consistent match one might have hoped, but his highs were so high that it’s impossible to keep him off of this week’s list. Jose’s free kicks were as solid as any we see in this league, and putting the ball on the head of new teammate Dave van den Bergh proved to be an awfully good idea. (Also a good idea, Chivas - defending the tall Dutch guy you’ve never seen before. Who knows, he’s tall - maybe he’s good in the air. Just a thought.) Burciaga’s ice-in-the-veins penalty kick may prove to be the signature moment putting the Wizards into the playoffs. He plays with as much attitude as any other (good) player in the league.

Jonathan Bornstein – (8)

drew the penalty that briefly led to cheers from our New York contingent of committee members. Let’s just say we wanted the ball at his feet as much as possible, hoping that a forward pass to Matt Taylor wasn’t in his plans. Chivas used to have forwards, right? Still the most creative, dynamic American rookie since Dempsey’s rookie year in ‘04, and we mean that as a compliment, and not as a diss to Kenny Cooper.

Davy Arnaud – (3)

hustled harder than anyone on the field. A pair of brilliant through balls to Josh Wolff led to great opportunities, though each pass had the fatal flaw of … being a pass to Josh Wolff. If not for Jose Burciaga Jr.’s eye-popping highlight reel, Arnaud was a sure thing to be MOTM in a crucial win.

Clint Dempsey – (5)

scored a beautiful goal, beating at least three defenders and the keeper, continuously threatened the DC United goal, and, just for grins, cleared a ball out of the Revs box with a bicycle kick.

Eddie Gaven – (2)

has absorbed more criticism (much of it deserved) than just about any other player in MLS this season. But he keeps coming, showing flashes of brilliance that hint that he may still flourish and be the player we all hope he’ll become. A goal and an assist in the Crew romp over the Fire highlight his potential - and merit him an AAXI place this week.

Carey Talley – (4)

returned from red card suspension and willed RSL to a tie against Houston, which kept his team’s faltering playoff hopes alive. Jeff Cunningham’s scoring prowess gets the glory, but Talley’s yeoman work is the main driving force in pushing the second year team towards respectability.

Kenny Cooper – (10)

took a long time to convince us not to nominate Chris Albright this week, but when he beat Albright for Dallas’ second goal, and we realized that Albright also lost Ruiz for the first FC goal, we knew Kenny had it wrapped up. Purportedly a midfielder according to the lineup card, Kenny was given free range of the field, leading to being in position in front of the net when necessary, and even leading to a sweet combination with Ronnie O’Brien and Richard Mulrooney while the entire Dallas midfield decided to have tea on the right flank. Kenny looks good with the ball at his feet … and is even more effective than he looks.

Jason Garey – (2)

better not be magically traded to a playoff-bound team from the Eastern Conference, because Chicago was at a total loss as to how to defend him on Saturday. But who knows - this is the MLS, where strange player transfers sometimes take place - watch out, Fire!

Landon Donovan – (5)

surely deserved better. Donovan was clearly the best player on the field, helping set up numerous Galaxy opportunities with deft touches, including notable long passes to Alan Gordon and Chris Albright. A brilliant chest trap and volley blast (that the committee confesses to practicing repeatedly against the garage) capped off an individual performance that wasn’t enough against superior opposition. Did Donovan show up for this game because it was a must-win for the Galaxy playoff hopes, or because he wanted to look extra-sweet in High Definition? We’re going with the HD thing. Here’s hoping he takes next week off, gets his longest rest in at least eight years, and comes back with renewed purpose for a new Nats coach.
…

• Header by Casper. (No, really! ismitje didn’t write it this time!)
• But ismitje did compile and edit the list with input from the AAXI contributors.
• All typos and errors should be blamed on Giorgio “fugitive from justice” Chinaglia.